Struggling.

I know this is absurd, and even a little hard to admit, however I honestly believed that my Jack would remain a very easy child through out the majority of his life.  I allowed myself to think that we would have even less than normal bumps in the road and he would be my saving grace in what ever possible claim of  my sanity after raising 3 kids so close in age.   Dare I say it, "the good kid."

Over the past month or probably longer, he is proving that thought a mere daydream, fasad, far stretched unrealistic fantasty I've created in myself.  He in fact, is a real 4 1/2 yr old devil child.  A devil child at that age just like Kyla, and just like Kade.  I think if I go back and re-read all of my blog posts from the K's at that age, I'll find the same hell.  3 is bad.  3 is truly one of the worst experiences a parent will go through.  4.5 - age 5 is a whole different ballgame though.  They have the capability of actually being MEAN.

This is when they start with the comments of how much I don't let them do this or that, how mean I am, how they are never going to do what I say or how after I leave the room they are going to do what I just told them not to do.  They walk around the room and throw pillows off the couch and proclaim that "they are never picking them up" or announce that "they will never go to sleep when I want them to because I'm a mean mom and they only want to be with their dad or wish they didn't even have a mom.

With Kyla and Kade saying these types of things, I was more able to brush it off with a - "ya ya ya - your 4.5 - that's what you say at this age."   With Jack though it seems like it hurts more. A LOT more.  Jack is my baby that I thought would never even be able to find the words within him to say them out loud.  Jack I thought would be able to look at me and instantly replace the desire to be negative or mean with pure and undeniable love.  I really believed this, honestly.   What a sad and pathetic realization to come to.  Not only that it's happening, but that I, ( experienced with 2 previous 4.5 yr olds ) allowed myself to deny the possibility and prepare my heart for it. 

I'm going to have to rethink so many things.  He was my go to kid.  He was my rock.  Kyla and Kade provide so many things to my life. So many things that they can always fix and only they could fix, especially when they don't know they are fixing them.  Jack though was my solid, consistent, peace.  I want him back. I want my security back.   It's made me so sad to think about it, that even when he gives me the loves and smiles that fix entire days I'm sad because they are becoming less frequent without prompting.  He's even saying " enough mom! "  NO, there is never enough.  I refuse.

I'm really struggling with this.  I want to hold him, and kiss him, and beg him to please stay my Jackie.