Ever since I started my blog a couple of years ago, I have found peace and therapy in putting to words, my thoughts, struggles, and victories of life. I've talked about kids, family, friends, jobs, insecurities, triumphs, medication, defeats and just about everything else in-between. Recently though, I've noticed that there are a few things that I have barely touched upon. I take pride in my openness and hope that it will help just one other person to get a feeling of: "Oh me too!" On that note though, for some reason, I've been very vague about marriage. My marriage, marriage in general and all things that come along with marriage and relationships. I never wanted to cross a boundary or say the wrong thing, but I'm starting to think that I can NOT be the only one that struggles. Why don't we talk about it? Why can't I talk about it? Well, I'm going to. I need to.
Robert used to be my very best friend. We've lost that some where along the way and my heart hurts just saying those words. We used to talk on the phone 30 x a day about everything from how good a burrito that we just had was, to the weird license plate frame we just saw on the freeway. I got butterflies in my stomach every single one of those 30 times he would call.
At some point his quirks became annoyances to me, and I'm sure vice versa for him. It hit me hard one day, when I had broken a glass. At our first apartment together, I broke a glass. He RUSHED over to me, pulled my hand out of the sink and made sure I was ok. At our current home, I broke a glass and he yelled out - "great which one was that one?" I find myself doing the same type of things to him.
Is this what happens to everyone? Does life always get in the way and cause you to get lost in the shuffle wondering: 'is this it?' Or is it not supposed to happen with the one you are supposed to be with?
What if positive actions stop coming naturally, and all you have left are words? Is that in fact the biggest action of all?
What if positive actions stop coming naturally, and all you have left are words? Is that in fact the biggest action of all?
Having 3 kids 3 years in a row, has undoubtedly been the most amazing gift I could ever have fathomed getting as a woman. There are days when I want to sit and pull all of my now brunette covered gray hairs out one by one, but for the most part as with all mothers, my heart is overflowing with love for my children. Doing the right thing as a couple on a day to day basis and being on the same page for the upbringing of these wonderful children, however has not been easy.
Money is the root of all evil.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired, and I'm worn down from holding 5 people's lives in my hands. ( including my own ) I'm scared every single day about a decision I make and how it will affect my children and my family 3 days from now, 3 months from now, 3 years from now.
Am I weak? Sometimes I think so. Am I confused and overwhelmed? Yes.
Robert is a wonderful person. Robert has a HUGE giving heart. Robert's brain works differently than most people's and certainly mine. I've spent 10 years of my life though, learning about his brain and why he is the person he is. I love my husband, and I love seeing him with our beautiful children, protecting them in a way that only he can.
Am I weak? Sometimes I think so. Am I confused and overwhelmed? Yes.
Robert is a wonderful person. Robert has a HUGE giving heart. Robert's brain works differently than most people's and certainly mine. I've spent 10 years of my life though, learning about his brain and why he is the person he is. I love my husband, and I love seeing him with our beautiful children, protecting them in a way that only he can.
We have jointly, gone back and forth wondering if we would be better people and friends to each other, and parents to our children, if we weren't together. How does one make a decision like that when the love is there, but the relationship / partnership isn't? When there are children involved. We started out as amazing friends. One of the first things I remember him saying to me, is that if there is one thing he could immediately tell, is that we will be friends forever.
Don't we all just want to feel like we are the MOST IMPORTANT person in our partner's life? We all deserve to be made to feel that way right? I want to feel that way, and I don't. He probably doesn't either. Does that come back? Will something magical happen to make it come back? Do we just sit back and wait because we are afraid?
So I have probably written way too much, and caused a few people to take a step back, however I feel better. Life is too short to not talk about who you are. None of this was meant to point fingers nor cause ill will at all. It's my life, it's my reality and it's constantly changing.
So I have probably written way too much, and caused a few people to take a step back, however I feel better. Life is too short to not talk about who you are. None of this was meant to point fingers nor cause ill will at all. It's my life, it's my reality and it's constantly changing.