Monday, August 30, 2010

The accident.


Truth be told, Robert and I got into a pretty heated argument the night before the accident. The subject of the argument was how he didn't call me before he left work to tell me he was off (as his times change frequently.) He will tell you it's because I'm a nag, however I beg to differ. My reason is because he is on his motorcycle, and driving in rush hour traffic and I would like to know where he is traveling should I not hear from him or should something happen. He seemed to have thought that was leaning towards ridiculous.

Now I don't know if it was some sort of dramatic slap in the face, a wake up call to slow down a bit, a wished for "I told you so" on my part, or what - but what happened the next morning really hit home with an extra amount of emotion, due to the previous night's "discussion."

Normally in the morning, I hear Robert getting ready for work. He didn't get the gene that enables one to be quiet when others are sleeping. So you can imagine my surprise when the first thing I heard in the morning was a phone call at 5:45 a.m.
This phone call was Robert's strained voice saying: " I was just in a motorcycle accident, and I'm hurt pretty bad. I'm laying on the 710 at the 5." The only words I could get to come out of my mouth was: "WELL CALL 911!" before he hung up the phone.

Immediately I jumped out of bed and of course called my mom to wake her up to prepare her to get the kids. After that I tried calling him back 5 times in a row. The feeling that I had during the time that he first called me and when my phone rang with the caller ID "Hubby" is so hard to explain. For those of you that don't know, his dear friend Brian had just passed away, about 4 weeks prior, after complications during a leg surgery resulting from a very slow fall on his motorcycle. His death had been very difficult to get through. My mind wandered. My heart raced. I think the fact that I was able to brush my teeth, change out of my pajama's and drive the sleeping children to my mom's house was accomplished only out of habit.

I must have walked in circles around the house 10 times, trying to figure out what I was supposed to do next. Do I just drive the way he said he was going and hope to figure something out? Do I start calling the Highway Patrol in East Los Angeles in hopes someone could tell me something? I had to do something, just sitting there was not an option. I had never even been to this new office that he goes to everyday since his position changed. Just as I was about to call someone, still to this day I don't know who it would have been... I get the call. The caller ID that had my beautiful husband's face and title: "hubby." On the other end of the phone however, was not my beautiful husband. It was the Los Angeles County Fire Department. The nice man told me he was in the ambulance with Robert and told me which medical center he was taking him to. I think I asked him to repeat himself 4 times, as I wasn't familiar with the area. He told me he was stable and I could hear Robert in the background asking him to tell me to call his boss. I was told to take my time as he is not showing any severe signs of shock or broken bones and for me to be safe while driving. Oh ya right.

I made the call, googled the medical center ( as best as I could remember the name ) and finally narrowed down the one he must have been talking about. One quick mapquest later and off I went to an area only 25 minutes away from me, but one in which I had never been to before. When I arrived at the medical center, after taking 20 minutes to find parking, I find myself walking through a metal detector and seeing over 100 people in the ER waiting area. WHOA. This is not Los Alamitos Medical Center where 10 people in the waiting area is over-crowding. The nice check in admin walked me, what seemed like a mile, back to his gurney in the ER. I don't think I breathed for the entire walk, which for some reason I remember went right, left, right, left.

There he was. Thank god there he was. My wonderful, scruffy, big, strong husband laying there in a hospital gown and a neck brace. I gave him instant kisses all over his face, held his hand, waited while he told me that nothing was broken at all, and his scans had been clear. We exchanged millions of 'I Love You's' - then I flicked his forehead and called him an idiot.

The conversation led to talking about Brian and our divine luck. It also including the confirmed fact that it would be best to sell the bike after it's fixed. This was a mutual decision. I was thrilled and was able to relax a bit. I made all of the phone calls he asked me to, and updated the people that already knew what had happened. A second Doctor came in and didn't believe that after what he went through, there was nothing broken, so they ordered another set of scans and Xrays to reconfirm.

Once he proved he could walk to the end of the of the corridor, they gave him a prescription for Vicodin and told him to go buy some motrin too - and off we went. We were in and out in about 6 hours!

At this point, I was still holding up. I made it home ok. I managed to eat some lunch even. I got him as comfortable as he could be then I just cried. I cried for what happened, and what could have happened. I cried for the pain he must be in, and the pain he'll endure in healing. I cried for the luck that we had in the fact that we were at home and not checked into a hospital. Then we fell asleep. Some much needed sleep.

That afternoon and next day was filled with love and attention and help and then more love from everyone. I'm at a loss for words ( hard to believe I know ) when it comes to trying to convey the significance of what all of that love did for us.

Since that day, Robert has progressively getting better and better. Unfortunately I seem to be getting worse. He is talking about wanting to keep the bike and not ride it to work anymore, and I'm getting anxiety and having nightmares. I suppose we will see how the whole thing plays out, I am quite anxious though, to get past the newness of the accident and what it has meant for us. It has meant so much more than some bruising and discomfort...


Sunday, August 22, 2010

APPROVED "Pending Available Space"



My home school district, as I'm sure all others, has boundaries within it's city limits to decide what school your children will go to. Well the school I want my kids to go to ( the same school that both my dad and I went to ), has a boundary that is 1 house away from me. The boundaries changed sometime after I went there because the house I grew up in is in the same boundaries as the house I currently live in.

Kyla started school last year, and I went through the process of doing a "school of choice" - got denied, applied for an Intradistrict Permit, got denied - went to our home school, and ended up having a GREAT experience with the staff and teachers through out the year.

This year Kade is starting school, so I again went through the process of doing a "school of choice" and again - go denied. We worked with the staff and teachers to get our choice of teachers at our home school for both Kyla going into 2nd grade, and Kade into kindergarten and were happy with starting school. Kade is happy because we ride bikes past his kindergarten playground all the time, and Kyla gets to see her 1st grade teacher again. I am unhappy because my friend's daughter is also starting kindergarten ( at my school of choice ) as well as Kyla's good friends got approved for school of choice. I was feeling like the only person to ever get denied in.

Just yesterday, a few days after we got the room assignments for our home school, we got a letter that has the above stamp on it. What does that mean exactly? I don't completely know. What I do know is that it means I have to think about it again. I had closed the door to it for another year and found peace with it, but do things ever end that way for me? NO they do NOT. In the grand scheme of things, obviously I know this is not that big of a deal... but in the small area of my world / brain, it's annoying.

I'm also pretty sure that it means that we wont know if there is "available space" until after they have already started at our home school. I'm not leaning towards switching them 1-2 weeks in, especially if they like their teachers. I mean, what if that irritates the teachers at the other school? What if it's a bad transition? AND the big question I have that leans me towards making the change: What if this is my ONLY chance to get into the school while they are still in their early years of education.

Any thoughts?

Monday, August 9, 2010

Is there really a way to explain the difference?








For some strange reason, as a mother of 3, I have always tried to describe the difference in the love I feel for each of my kids individually. Maybe it stems from my old fears of not being able to love more than one child, maybe I just over-analyze. (Clearly, we know that last part is accurate, but could it be the only reason?)

My most reason trigger of this unanswerable question came last night. Last night was the night before I left for Chicago for the 7th time. Earlier in the day I had asked Kade if he would please sleep with me that night. He hesitantly, as Kade does, purely because he knows it would make me happy if he said yes, said; “ok mom.” This happens to me a lot. I knew when I asked him to plan on that, I would need his cuddling. Why is that?

Granted, it doesn’t only happen with Kade, I frequently ask this, or similar requests from Kyla and Jack too – this was just the most recent example.

When I carried Kade in all of his ultra-soft, warm skinned splendor, to go to sleep – I knew I made the right request for the day. I probably can’t begin to explain why, and I don’t know if I should even try -it just felt perfect. It takes me a very long time to fall asleep normally, and last night, it took about 2 minutes. Kade fits into every single little nook I create and puts his fingers in between mine and falls asleep in under 30 seconds. Feeling and hearing his strong heartbeat is the best white noise / sleep machine I could hope for. It’s like he’s apologizing for the rough times of the day. It’s life reassurance. Yes, that’s what it is. He brings me assurance that even though life can get very complicated, it is still very beautiful.

Robert and I both say this a lot: “[insert child’s name here] , I need you.” Whatever is happening at the time, a child, a specific child, can always fix it. They fix it in the way that only they can. Jack provides you with an amazingly gentle touch and way about him. He makes you look in his eyes and he says, “I love you.” He will put down any project he’s engaged in, make time for you, turn you into the most important thing in his life, and all of your troubles diminish quickly. Kyla certainly does not drop what she is engaged in, nor does she make a lot of time for you these days. What she does do though, on her terms, is nuzzle in your neck and make humming noises, or giggle. She will giggle until you can’t help but laugh along with her. Kyla will run the household if she feels you struggling, and will certainly nurse you to health if you have hurt yourself. Kyla keeps life flowing and reminds me that life in itself is a miracle.

Children are miracles. Family is the most important thing in the world, and if you have the ability to love and be loved, embrace it and live it.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Just some random conversations before I forget.

Kyla: I'm not going to kiss my boyfriend until we get married.
Kade: Who am I going to fall in love with mommy?
Me: In about 20 years, you'll meet someone that makes you happier than you have ever been before - that's who you'll love.
Kade: I need to know right now! Kyla, I'll just pick you. I'll marry you I guess.
Kyla: Brothers and sisters DON'T get married Kade, you have to find someone else!
Kade: But who will help you when you have a baby in your tummy? I'll help you take care of the baby.
Kyla: My husband will. I want 1 kid. Wait, no I want 2 kids. One 12 year old and one baby so the 12 year old can take care of the baby. ( SMART girl!! )
Kade: Fine. Whatever Kyla. MOM, can brothers and sisters get married?
Me: No Kade, they can't. Kyla can be your best friend, but trust me, you wont want her to be your wife.
Kade: Kyla, lets go ride bikes!

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Setting of scene:
I had just broken the news to the children about Robert's dear friend Brian passing away. I had gotten through telling the boys without tears and too much breaking down, but when it came to tell Kyla I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Kade's response to the news: "you have got to be kidding me? I just saw him at the hospital, he only hurt his leg?!" That struck me very hard because if my 5 year old can feel the sense of shock and tragedy in this fact, I can't fathom how the family felt.

Kyla's response to the news: ( Please know I don't mean this to be funny- as in no way did she mean it as anything less than an absolute wonderful thing )
Mom, I'm so sorry that Uncle Brian has passed, but if you think about it, he's in a way better place AND ( with bright wide eyes ) he gets to hang out with Michael Jackson and Aunt Hattie!

I think I hugged her tighter than I have in months. Sweet, sweet girl.

Since then I've gotten lots of questions from them like:
Can Uncle Brian hear us talking?
Will Uncle Brian be able to call us still?
When will he get to leave God?

Such profound discussions for a 5 & 6 year old.

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Scene set:
Camryn's birthday party - lots of kids, 2 boys named Jack. One 5½ and very aware of the fact that other kids are named Jack, and my 4 yr old Jack.

I wish I could remember exactly what got us to this part of the conversation, but I think it had something to do with the names on the party bags :)

Jack Beard: He's not the real Jack, I'm the only real Jack.
Me / Robert / Nicole: His name is Jack too, you are both Jack's.
Jack B: we can't be both Jack's, I'm the REAL Jack.
Me; you can both be named Jack, you are Jack Beard, he is Jack Summer's -
Nicole: and actually, he was born before you too!
Jack B: Well he can be Jack too, but I'm the real Jack.
One of us: So he's just a pretend Jack then?
Jack B: Yes, he can be Jack, but only pretend, and I'm the only real Jack.
Me or Robert: What about Papa? His name is Jack too.
Jack B: I'm the real Jack.
Me: Ok, whatever.

I was in shock for this conversation. I know he's been getting more and more aggressive and stubborn, but for some reason this particular topic really caught me off guard. He wasn't budging at all! I guess this is an occasion of picking your battles - especially when you notice that the older Jack could have cared less. ( thank fully ) :)