Ever since I started my blog a couple of years ago, I have found peace and therapy in putting to words, my thoughts, struggles, and victories of life. I've talked about kids, family, friends, jobs, insecurities, triumphs, medication, defeats and just about everything else in-between. Recently though, I've noticed that there are a few things that I have barely touched upon. I take pride in my openness and hope that it will help just one other person to get a feeling of: "Oh me too!" On that note though, for some reason, I've been very vague about marriage. My marriage, marriage in general and all things that come along with marriage and relationships. I never wanted to cross a boundary or say the wrong thing, but I'm starting to think that I can NOT be the only one that struggles. Why don't we talk about it? Why can't I talk about it? Well, I'm going to. I need to.
Robert used to be my very best friend. We've lost that some where along the way and my heart hurts just saying those words. We used to talk on the phone 30 x a day about everything from how good a burrito that we just had was, to the weird license plate frame we just saw on the freeway. I got butterflies in my stomach every single one of those 30 times he would call.
At some point his quirks became annoyances to me, and I'm sure vice versa for him. It hit me hard one day, when I had broken a glass. At our first apartment together, I broke a glass. He RUSHED over to me, pulled my hand out of the sink and made sure I was ok. At our current home, I broke a glass and he yelled out - "great which one was that one?" I find myself doing the same type of things to him.
Is this what happens to everyone? Does life always get in the way and cause you to get lost in the shuffle wondering: 'is this it?' Or is it not supposed to happen with the one you are supposed to be with?
What if positive actions stop coming naturally, and all you have left are words? Is that in fact the biggest action of all?
What if positive actions stop coming naturally, and all you have left are words? Is that in fact the biggest action of all?
Having 3 kids 3 years in a row, has undoubtedly been the most amazing gift I could ever have fathomed getting as a woman. There are days when I want to sit and pull all of my now brunette covered gray hairs out one by one, but for the most part as with all mothers, my heart is overflowing with love for my children. Doing the right thing as a couple on a day to day basis and being on the same page for the upbringing of these wonderful children, however has not been easy.
Money is the root of all evil.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired, and I'm worn down from holding 5 people's lives in my hands. ( including my own ) I'm scared every single day about a decision I make and how it will affect my children and my family 3 days from now, 3 months from now, 3 years from now.
Am I weak? Sometimes I think so. Am I confused and overwhelmed? Yes.
Robert is a wonderful person. Robert has a HUGE giving heart. Robert's brain works differently than most people's and certainly mine. I've spent 10 years of my life though, learning about his brain and why he is the person he is. I love my husband, and I love seeing him with our beautiful children, protecting them in a way that only he can.
Am I weak? Sometimes I think so. Am I confused and overwhelmed? Yes.
Robert is a wonderful person. Robert has a HUGE giving heart. Robert's brain works differently than most people's and certainly mine. I've spent 10 years of my life though, learning about his brain and why he is the person he is. I love my husband, and I love seeing him with our beautiful children, protecting them in a way that only he can.
We have jointly, gone back and forth wondering if we would be better people and friends to each other, and parents to our children, if we weren't together. How does one make a decision like that when the love is there, but the relationship / partnership isn't? When there are children involved. We started out as amazing friends. One of the first things I remember him saying to me, is that if there is one thing he could immediately tell, is that we will be friends forever.
Don't we all just want to feel like we are the MOST IMPORTANT person in our partner's life? We all deserve to be made to feel that way right? I want to feel that way, and I don't. He probably doesn't either. Does that come back? Will something magical happen to make it come back? Do we just sit back and wait because we are afraid?
So I have probably written way too much, and caused a few people to take a step back, however I feel better. Life is too short to not talk about who you are. None of this was meant to point fingers nor cause ill will at all. It's my life, it's my reality and it's constantly changing.
So I have probably written way too much, and caused a few people to take a step back, however I feel better. Life is too short to not talk about who you are. None of this was meant to point fingers nor cause ill will at all. It's my life, it's my reality and it's constantly changing.
6 comments:
Well my friend. YOU WIN the award for saying what everyone wants to say! I included in that "everyone". You have a way with expressing your feelings when others like myself, can only internalize them from my partner and the world. All I can say is...DITTO!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and I love you :)
Oh GOD! I hope and pray that the 'butterflies in stomach' feelings return one day!! Maybe after the kids are grown and out of the house? That's what I'm shooting for anyway! LOL. Don't ever feel bad or afraid to show/express how you are feeling, it's very theraputic. <- I hope that is spelled right. hah..
Love You Shanny!
Shannon,
Thanks for sharing your true feelings her. I have honestly gone thru what you are wrinting about and I can tell you when it returned for me. It returned just recently. I think a lot of it came back when our kids got a little more independent (remember mine are 9,7,4) and I had to do a little less mothering.
Then, I stepped back and realized I had forgotten who I was when I was in this mom role.
What were my interests now? Jon did the same thing. We have a different kind of relationship now. Not butterflies but better. Deep,respectful and honest love for each other. Have you seen Fireproof? Check it out. :)
Hi Shan,
Just wanted to reiterate that keeping a marriage alive/fresh/exciting is so difficult, especially with young ones. We all have the feelings that you have expressed, it's just what you choose to do with them. If you can express your frustrations, disappointments, sadness in an honest yet respectful way, perhaps you two could come to some sort of a resolution. For me, I find that it's all about negativity and how I choose to view things. Some days are always better than others, but I am really striving to keep things into perspective and remain positive. When I am positive, warm and nice, Art is so receptive and reciprocates those feelings ten times. he is like butter in my hands ;) when I am bitchy though, it all goes down hill. Good luck girl and hang in there. you're not alone
Wow Shannon...
Can I first say I feel so blessed to have come to know you? I'm so glad you & Billy started FBing each other and, of course, I butt in and steal the friend. I have such respect for you as a wife, mother, woman and friend. I truly enjoyed spending time with you separately and then again with all our little ones.
But to join in on the subject...marriage can be hard. OK-not for me, but come on, I'm married to Billy right? But even we have ups and downs, "in love" moments and sometimes just "eh" moments. I just ride thru them knowing that that is how marriage works.
I mostly just wanted to comment though to encourage you. What you write, we all go through, you're just being more open about it and writing it down for the rest of us. Have confidence in yourself, don't second guess yourself. If in doubt, follow your gut feeling, it was given to us for a reason. And after that, keep on your path. A more mature mother once told me that, "yes, you'll make mistakes, maybe even big ones, but if you are THERE for your kids, they'll be ok." Just be present for your kids, enjoy while they're young, 'cause before you know it, you'll be picking out high school class rings and talking about scholarships with them. It goes by soooo fast.
With sincere admiration...MI
I, unfortunatly do not have the gift to write as beautifully as my wife does. Nor do I have the ability to express my feelings with such openess and honesty. She is in a category all her own. But if I may, I would like to take this opportunity to try.
She is my every thought and my every hope. The most wonderful mother and beautiful wife any man could hope for. I can only pray that God will allow her to remain in my life forever. And I would like to apologize for every angry word, and every missed kiss. I am forever changed by her love and I am a better man every day that she touches me. I love you Shannon Beard.
Thank you all for the love and support you have shown Shannon.
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