Is there really a way to explain the difference?

For some strange reason, as a mother of 3, I have always tried to describe the difference in the love I feel for each of my kids individually. Maybe it stems from my old fears of not being able to love more than one child, maybe I just over-analyze. (Clearly, we know that last part is accurate, but could it be the only reason?)

My most reason trigger of this unanswerable question came last night. Last night was the night before I left for Chicago for the 7th time. Earlier in the day I had asked Kade if he would please sleep with me that night. He hesitantly, as Kade does, purely because he knows it would make me happy if he said yes, said; “ok mom.” This happens to me a lot. I knew when I asked him to plan on that, I would need his cuddling. Why is that?

Granted, it doesn’t only happen with Kade, I frequently ask this, or similar requests from Kyla and Jack too – this was just the most recent example.

When I carried Kade in all of his ultra-soft, warm skinned splendor, to go to sleep – I knew I made the right request for the day. I probably can’t begin to explain why, and I don’t know if I should even try -it just felt perfect. It takes me a very long time to fall asleep normally, and last night, it took about 2 minutes. Kade fits into every single little nook I create and puts his fingers in between mine and falls asleep in under 30 seconds. Feeling and hearing his strong heartbeat is the best white noise / sleep machine I could hope for. It’s like he’s apologizing for the rough times of the day. It’s life reassurance. Yes, that’s what it is. He brings me assurance that even though life can get very complicated, it is still very beautiful.

Robert and I both say this a lot: “[insert child’s name here] , I need you.” Whatever is happening at the time, a child, a specific child, can always fix it. They fix it in the way that only they can. Jack provides you with an amazingly gentle touch and way about him. He makes you look in his eyes and he says, “I love you.” He will put down any project he’s engaged in, make time for you, turn you into the most important thing in his life, and all of your troubles diminish quickly. Kyla certainly does not drop what she is engaged in, nor does she make a lot of time for you these days. What she does do though, on her terms, is nuzzle in your neck and make humming noises, or giggle. She will giggle until you can’t help but laugh along with her. Kyla will run the household if she feels you struggling, and will certainly nurse you to health if you have hurt yourself. Kyla keeps life flowing and reminds me that life in itself is a miracle.

Children are miracles. Family is the most important thing in the world, and if you have the ability to love and be loved, embrace it and live it.