A Mother's fit

I have to get this documented for a couple of reasons.

1) I'm a talker, and the more I talk about things, the more I can sort through it and move on from it.

2) I have to be able to laugh at myself and some of the decisions I make ( and hopefully limit the amount of times I do dumb stuff in the future )

It happens about once a month <--- I'm not in denial about why this happens, not at all... my mental stability is questionable. I know it's happening, I even provide warnings to those that need them, or rather understand them, and do my best to lay low.

Well, the other night, I was trying to lay low and I even had a plan to make that happen. It was a great plan if I do say so myself. I wanted to cuddle with my husband. I wanted his big strong arms around me to calm me down and make me feel better like only he can. It's the simple things. I didn't even need to be alone, I just needed him to myself!!

The kids wouldn't hear of it. Not even close. They wanted him too. Trust me, there is a reason why we all want to cuddle with him. He's like a big teddy bear that keeps you safe and warm.

Well instead of appreciating the joy that my kids have in the bonding time they have with their dad, I got defensive and frankly quite territorial. I questioned my poor young children for wanting something only because I had it first. I asked them why they didn't think I deserved a few minutes of him to myself, and why they couldn't just go to bed like they have done on recent nights. I even said... prepare yourselves now... " I had him first, I just loan him to you when I'm busy! " Yes. Those words came out of my mouth. I clung to Robert while they tried to climb on top of him and while Jack even cried slightly complaining that my arm was on Robert's stomach ( Jack's prime spot. ) I refused to budge. REFUSED. I knew while this was happening that it was ridiculous, but I NEEDED it. I really really needed it, right then, on MY time - not theirs. Even for just 10 minutes, it needed to be on MY time.

Well, all 5 of us ended up together on our bed. They smashed their way into any area they could fit ( Kade at the foot of the bed ) and took back their territory. Stubborn little people!! I have no idea where they get that trait from. ;)

Kade crashed out first, so I got up and moved him. Kyla then complained that she didn't have enough room ( ya think? ) and said, "I'll just go to my own bed" like it was her idea, and Jack crashed last. I moved him too.

I went back to MY bed, MY space, and MY husband - who was now snoring away and making it nearly impossible for me to fall asleep anyway. I knew that was going to happen because I even told the kids that I needed to hurry and fall asleep before he started to snore.

If this was a contest of will, I definitely do not declare myself the winner. I fell asleep half laughing and half ashamed.....

Until next month, when I'm sure to have a variation of the above.

My description of love - as I know it.

Over the years, I have come to realize that the love that I need is not ever a simple one. I've frequently wondered why I wasn't meant to be one of those couples that just sort of go through life for the most part, coasting as if their paths were already carved out for them. I felt very envious at one point in my life of not having one of those relationships.

Don't get me wrong, this is not to say that I do not absolutely adore my husband. I am head over heels in love with him and our family. We've been through a significant amount of difficulties in the almost 11 years we've been together, but the key word is together.

I understand completely that to some close friends it may seem like I have extra worries and some extra struggles due to Robert's special brain, and I find myself frequently trying, even when completely unsolicited, to explain why this works for me. I have recently read a book and in it was the absolute most amazing quotation and explanation of love I have ever found. It is me, and everything that my mind and heart requires.

This is written in a format that shows a sister, who has never experienced this type of love, speaking about her sister's life.

"She always imagined love to be turbulent and passionate, an emotion that would sweep her up and break her into pieces and reshape her into someone she couldn't otherwise have become."

I have learned invaluable things about life and myself because of my amazing husband.

2 parents out of town and a cute conversation.

Robert is going out a couple of hours out of town for a day or two with work so all 3 kids will be at MeMe and PaPa's house overnight while he's away.

The normal situation of children placement when I'm out of town is:

Dinner either with Robert and Meme and Papa, or just Meme and Papa if Robert works late. Then baths and hanging out at home with Daddy, followed by Jack and Kyla being picked up to stay overnight - leaving Kade and Daddy for their "boys nights." Kyla couldn't be pryed away from spending the night there if her life depended on it. She packs for the week, and her mind is set. Jack varies sometimes, and Kade 100% belongs to daddy.

Kade is always invited to go with Kyla and Jack, but always declines the invitation to be with his daddy. He says he like's his own house for sleeping.

Well after Robert called with the details, I called Kyla to tell her... this is our conversation:

Hi Kyla

Hi Mom, what are you doing?
Working, what are you doing?
I'm waiting to go swimming. What kind of work are you doing?
I'm on my computer.
I thought you were at your job.
I am, I'm working on my computer at my job.

At the same time? Wow, that's so cool.

I'm glad you think so. Guess what?
What mom?
Your daddy has to go out of town for work too!
He does, NO WAY! When?
Tomorrow morning. That means all 3 of you will need to stay with meme and papa.

Ooooh - Kade is NOT going to like that AT ALL mom. Not at all.

[now giggling and trying to think of something positive] well maybe since daddy wont be home for him to be able to stay there, he wont be sad.

Ya, probably. Good idea. So have you started a book yet?
Yes, I have.

What's it called?
True Colors.

Do you like it?
I sure do.
Ok mom, I'll try to let Kade know right away. Love you.

Re-reading it, I guess it's not that amazing of a conversation, but when I called to tell Robert about it, we both just cracked up. It's so fun to talk to her on the phone because there is no time spent trying to think of something to say, it just flows and she loves it. Another reminder of how fast she's growing up. I have to leave it on here as a reminder of how it made me smile :)

Quick side note: THANK YOU MOM AND DAD - you guys are the absolute best. xoxoxo

Happy 4th of July ( on the 15th of July )

I was lying in bed last night realizing that I didn't do a 4th of July post...

I guess though, I haven't done several posts lately because Facebook has been more than satisfying my desire for instant gratification when I have something to say.

I know I didn't skip it because it was lacking of enjoyment, we had a wonderful day this year!

Most years the day is crazy, chaotic, crowded, and amazingly fun!!!

For some reason that wasn't in the cards for us this year, and I'm oddly glad. It's almost like we needed a break from it, to appreciate it more!

Most years it looks like this:


and then this....



and eventually this....



This year we scaled it down, slowed it down, and really enjoyed ourselves. The traveling I've been doing since May has really thrown off any routine I've claimed to have or have at least convinced myself exists. It also seems to have changed my ability and enjoyment of real life socialization. I'm anxious for it to be over and for everything to come back. Is that strange how it's all connected? I'm thinking not - or maybe I'm really just getting OLD like my kids say.

Some fun pictures of this year's celebration:

Decorated bikes :)

Best Friends

Nearly inseparable - Jack even got off his big bike for her

GREAT friends!

A game of hot potato replaced vollyball....

Dessert replaced the Jager

I got to hold a sleeping baby!

The kids loved the sparklers!

And the simple fireworks too! :)

( I Just love this one for the freckles! )

I hope everyone had a very fun and safe day! Next year we plan to go big again!

I have found a very new and very prominent trait of Jacks. STUBBORNESS. Wow. I thought I was stubborn. :/

All before I got to work today; 'A Rant' if you will.

This particular morning started with an extra bit of spontaneous ambition. The timing of it surprised me, as I still wasn't feeling particularly well. I got up around 6:20 and sorted some laundry, picked up some odd's and end's around the house, and loaded the dishwasher. Around 6:45 I jumped in the shower, fully intending to bask in the ability to not be disturbed by little hands banging on the door screaming: "are you done yet?!" I got out before my alarm went off at 7, made some toast, and started my coffee maker. So far so good!

Five minutes later, a sleepy little girl comes out of her room wanting to get some cuddle time in before her brothers wake up. I am of course, happy to oblige. After 10 perfect minutes of peace and snuggling, everything changed. The whole morning changed. I got up to do something, and Kyla started crying. I assumed she was just still tired and I tucked a warm blanket around her and rubbed her head for a minute. The tears kept flowing. Finally, I ask her what's wrong. While I was surprised then, I realize now, that I should not have been. " I miss Mrs. Musick, and I want to do 1st grade all over again so I can still be with her! " This was said in a very drowned out by tears, lip quivering, early morning voice mind you. We talked about this situation for quite some time and I finally managed to change the subject to one that was within my control. It seemed to work for the time being.

The next little event has to do with Jack. As he does every morning, he peaks around the corner, big grin and dimple included, just enough for me to see him. Once I acknowledge his presence he all of a sudden acts extremely tired and says: "hold me." Again, happy to oblige. During this act of cuteness, I notice the time and to speed things up a bit ask if they want to get dressed and ride their bikes to meme's house this morning. "YES!" was screamed by both of them. This is where it really starts to go downhill.

I had clothes picked out for them and suggested them to please get dressed. This is where I went wrong. I asked them to do something of my choosing rather than their own. The clothes I picked simply would NOT do. The drama that enfolded from Jack and his shorts that did NOT have a pretend belt attached would have been enough birth control to keep all teenagers from ever getting pregnant again. Kyla proceeded to follow in his footsteps, changing her outfit 4 times - promptly dismissing several outfits that she, just last week, absolutely adored.

After 15 minutes of arguing, time alone in their rooms, and the threat of taking their bikes away - they managed to comply with my request for clothes to replace their pj's. In the middle of this, I managed to wake Kade up ( who likes to wake up on his own by the way ) with the offer to let him ride his bike while I drove next to him. Thankfully, he said: "what do you want me to wear mom?" and just jumped into his clothes. Phew. Further crises averted.

You might be thinking, oh - that's NOTHING. Once it was over, I would have totally agreed with you. Except: one minute later they were outside fighting about who would open the garage door, who would be first in line on the sidewalk, and who was done first. After 30 seconds of fighting I hear screaming and crying. These are the events that unfolded next, as I understand it:

Jack tried to open the garage.
Kyla declared him too young to do so, and pushed his hand away from the handle.
Kade then got defensive for his little brother and PUNCHED Kyla in the stomach.
Kyla came in doubled over screaming for dear life ( of course ) and
Jack came in wanting me to make Kyla apologize for "telling me I'm a baby and moving my hand!"
Through the pleading and the screaming I glance out the window to see Kade with his smart-ass grin opening the garage and looking at me like: "What?"
I called Kade in immediately and asked why he punched his sister. His answer:
"Because of what she did to Jack."
"Get in your room NOW." is all I could muster at the moment. He knew he was in trouble because he went willingly and stayed without asking to come out for about 6 minutes while I dealt with Kyla "dying."

Apologies, breathing returning, and hugs out of the way - on to our way to Meme's house we go.
I let the kids cross the street with me, then I ask them to stop until I can pull up next to them. ( for those that don't know how close we live to my mom's it's 8 houses away around the corner ) They don't listen, and off they go out of my sight around the corner. I fly out of my driveway, turn the corner, and see Jack on the ground crying trying to lift his bike up. My tough guy gets up but keeps repeating: "I fell down mom, I fell down!" He was apparently looking back for me and turned his handles into the grass.

We make it to the driveway across from meme's house and I stop in the street to let them pass but Kyla slows down too much, which makes Kade slow down, and Jack's tired rub onto Kade's. This creates a response from Kade loud enough to wake every neighbor that may be lucky enough to still be sleeping. He continues to scream towards my car as he crosses the street, how Jack was "rubbing his tires!"

Once we get to Meme's house, Jack decides he doesn't want to stay and has a huge breakdown. I find him in my car with the doors locked saying: "I'm going with you to your work today!" My mom follows me out the door to try to help, only to be followed by Kyla saying: "KADE SPIT ON ME," while frantically rubbing her hair as if to get the spit out. I take Jack home to get his blanket and bring him back kicking and screaming to my poor saint of a mother.

I tell him I love him and off I go to work. It's finally over, my morning is finally over. You would think.

The phone rings and it's my mom. Before answering it I had decided that with my luck someone now needs stitches or something. Not quite, but it certainly wasn't a call to just tell me everything was fine. Kade was continuing his torment of the other children, and Jack tried to escape again. I guess Kade had declared that he didn't want to be there anymore, and he just wanted to talk to his mom! Once she got me on the phone, he was not willing to talk to me, and I figured as much because he does this sort of bluffing thing, all the time.

Mom and I discussed the plan of action for the day, and so far so good... Or should I say, I'm assuming no news is good news.

Goals

We all have goals right?
How many people take the steps to actually meet their goals?

Some goals are simple and readily attainable, only perhaps delayed by our own laziness.
Some goals are complex and require a lot more planning, researching, and chances are, the assistance of others.

I wonder how many of these goals are private, and how many are openly discussed?

Of the private ones, I'm always curious as to what would keep them locked away in our own minds. When I'm curious about things like that, of course I only have myself to rely on in trying to figure these things out. I'm hoping though, that maybe a few of you reading this will help me out.

The open ones usually have to do with losing weight, travelling somewhere, meeting someone, trying a food you haven't before, etc.. The conversation starter type of goals that friends and strangers can sort of "bond" over.

But what about the more private ones? Why can't we bond over these as well? Don't we usually need the help of others, research, and planning to accomplish these goals? I guarantee if it's your goal, someone else at some time, has had a variation of that type of goal.

I'm a big talker, and would pretty much tell everyone nearly everything; I think because I just feel better that way. It makes me sad that so many people keep difficult situations to themselves because they are afraid of how they will be perceived. As years have gone by, I think I've figured out that my fear absolutely is not wanting to be judged, or more abundantly, I fear people will take my openness as being self involved. I honestly just want to help people feel comfortable about life and all of it's up's and down's - and to not judge a book by it's cover.

So that brings me to my goals:

My normal open ones:
Get healthier again / start back with weight training.

Drink more water and find my lost self discipline with food.

Have more patience with my kids and my chaotic life.

Go on family trips - small at first, - then BIG, like out of the country!

My starting to be more open goals:
To make sure that Kade receives the best possible up bringing for his brain - or in other words, to not have him feel like his daddy did growing up.

To not be so concerned about what I look like when being around other people, and not letting a negative self-esteem issue stop me from having a good time.

My BIG goal that I'm afraid will not be received well, that scares me, AND that I really want to do but have NO idea on how.

I want to write a book. A real book that gets published and that people buy. :)

Whew..... now I'm sitting here wondering if I should re-read and perhaps not post at all. WHY IS THAT?? It's NOT that big of a deal. I LOVE writing. Why do I doubt sincerity when I'm told other people enjoy my writing.... I used to have so much confidence in myself and my abilities. Why am I afraid to fail now?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and more importantly some of your goals!

Anyone?