What I wanted to be when I "grew up"

My favorite story to re-tell, once a year.

I tend to think back to high school where I had absolutely no clue as to what I wanted to do when I "grew up" besides being a mom and a wife. I used to think that I was born in the wrong time period and that something must have been wrong with me. Granted I went through phases where I thought I figured it out, but I just never had any uncontrollable drive to be something specific besides a mom.

Several years that included no pregnancies had come and gone by the time I found out that I was diagnosed with PCOS. This would make getting pregnant very difficult if possible at all for me. ( well duh - that explains it! ) To make a long story short, I found peace with the news and Robert and I were just going to be world travelers and the cool " Aunt and Uncle. "

This was July-ish of 2003.

Some time around September of 2003, I had about 3 weeks of constant stomach pain that was totally different than anything I had ever felt. After convincing myself that I had an ulcer, I went to the doctors. She gave me a pregnancy test... just like all of the other times I was there because frankly, with my above diagnosis, I was not the most predictable person ever. I anticipated negative as usual but the nurse took way longer than her normal 3 minutes and pop in of " yep, negative. " I started to get butterflies at the thought of being pregnant, but quickly talked myself out of it.

Finally my doctor, my wonderful, amazing doctor, came in and made small talk for about 1 minute. Then she told me. She told me the words that changed my life forever. "your pregnant!" I don't think I've ever cried and smiled so much at the same time. I think she had to pry me off of her because I wouldn't stop hugging her. She actually sent ME a thank you note, for getting "to be" the one that shared the news with me. I wish I could explain in words, the peace that came over me. I have never felt anything like that before, or since.

Flash forward to the ultrasound where we find out what we are having. Robert had convinced himself that it was a boy, because he said he couldn't handle having a girl. I allowed him to think this, despite knowing ( really, I'm not over-exaggerating ) it was a girl. I didn't tell him that though.... well, not until we were in the elevator on the way up. I told him, "you need to know something, so you can prepare." When I told him it was a girl, he brushed it off, with a "whatever..."

I thought for sure my butterflies would hinder the accuracy of the ultrasound I was so excited, but they didn't.... clear as day - "it's a girl." Robert instantly smiled and wiped the tears away. He felt the same peace I did the day I found out I was pregnant. A few weeks later, he came home with 3 feet high of little girl clothes to get her started! He's been spoiling her the same ever since.

Her name was originally to be Ryan. Robert was to have had a twin, but he didn't make it. His twins name was going to be Ryan Kade. We were looking through baby books one day and we found a few names we were interested in, despite thinking we already had one chosen. We saw Kayla and thought it was cute, but decided to take the "a" out and Robert said: Kyla. We didn't hesitate for 1 second before we decided what our baby's name would be. Kyla Michele Beard.

Yesterday our Kyla turned 6. I remember clear as day, the day she was born. I remember watching Love Actually for the first time and gasping for air I was sobbing so hard. That instantly started my contractions! Robert asked if I would please wait until the cable guy left before my water broke, and I obliged. I even gave him 15 extra minutes. :o)

I'm going to leave out the labor details because this is a happy story - maybe I'll save it for another day when I'm mad at her!

Kyla Michele Beard, my miracle baby, gave me what I've always wanted to be when I grew up. A mom. Not only has she given me the title of "mom," but she has provided me with more love, pride, and outpouring of what life is all about than I could have ever hoped for.

* just a quick side note - I'm pretty positive that the doctor that diagnosed me with PCOS was wrong! LOL *

Kyla, I am forever humbled to get to call you mine.

New Neighbors, new experiences.

I remember thinking back just a few months ago and even having conversations with friends about how we used to just run around the neighborhood and have to be back at dinner time. I was sad that we would never be able to let our children do that. At least I didn't think so.

Well, we have had some new neighbors buy the house next to us. They have 3 kids. One girl in high school, a 10 year old boy, and a 9 year old girl. They are very polite and nice outgoing and active kids that have taken a liking to my kids.

Kade actually tries to turn down going places with us because of the pure chance that "his new friends next door" may be home and he would miss out on some play time. See the 10 year old boy plays baseball with him. A LOT. They ride scooters, they ride bikes, they play every sport that we have a ball for and everything in-between. All 6 of them actually.

The crazy thing is, we let our kids play outside, in the front yard even. Without us being out there. I know! Robert did this first, which is absolutely shocking because he wants them in a bubble every second of every day. He said he just opens every window in the front room so he can see and hear and has given them boundaries. 1 house to the left, and the friends house is to the right. They aren't allowed to go in the neighbors house either. They must ask first. I've tested several things, and I'm feeling quite good about it. They come in and ask before they do anything, and I've even heard all 3 of them say: "I have to ask my mom first" when referring to the ability to go next door and get a ball that was hit over the fence.

I had anxiety the entire time I let this happen the first day and stood by the window without moving an inch. Each day it's getting easier though. They have continued to impress me with the little things I watch. They've never ventured farther than they should to get a ball or a toy, they've never questioned me when I say it's time for dinner, or even when I tell them they have to tell their friends it's time to go home.

Needless to say, this growing up thing that they are doing, doesn't seem to be slowing down. At all.

The day my life became complete -

4 years ago on May 4th, I met Jack.

He came into my life while making quite the entrance. I wasn't supposed to meet him until June 1st of that same year, however Jack was seemingly anxious to meet me. I guess our schedules just didn't coincide.

At first I was extremely frustrated at his lack of follow through. He seemed like he picked his time to meet, then he changed his mind. A few hours later, he gave me the impression that he again, had picked his time to meet.... only to change his mind again. We went through this frustrating process for about 36 hours, until FINALLY, he had clearly decided he was ready. By this point, I had gone through all states of mental and physical exhaustion, not excluding the flu, so I was a little less anxious to meet him as I was 36 hours prior.

In fact, when he entered the room, it took a good 20 minutes for me to actually make his acquaintance due to pure exhaustion on my part. Once I had however, I realized that he was worth the first 36 hours. In fact, I would have even given him another 36 hours of the same if it meant I could keep that feeling forever.

Jack was my 3rd birth in just under 24 months. I thought I was all set with the previous 2 children, so when we found out I was 5 weeks pregnant the week after Robert's vasectomy, I wasn't exactly jumping for joy. I was already so very tired, a little mentally off balance, and running on fumes as it was. How in the world would I be able to care for a newborn when I had an 11 month old son and a 23 month old daughter at home? Well, I will tell you how.....because my newborn was Jack.

I must have done something right in my lifetime to be awarded ( and yes, I feel it is nothing short than an award ) my Jack. When I go through difficult times in my life, and feel down on myself with a few " why me?'s " I look at Jack - actually all of my children - and just know why.

It goes without saying how much I love Kyla and Kade and I can't wait to write about them on their birthday's, this post though is about Jack. My sweet wonderful Jack.

Jack is pure, un-filtered, amazing love. Jack's smile can fix anyone's day, even a stranger. The little pat he gives you when he squeezes you tighter than most adults can during a hug, stops time. His desire to cuddle and give kisses and spend time with you, can make you feel like you are the absolute most important person in the entire world, to anyone. There is no need for anyone else to love you if Jack loves you. It's that powerful.

( quick side note... he just walked up to me with side walk chalk from his little bucket, and said "mom, this is Kade's favorite color, I'm going to give it to him and I'll just go ahead and have 2. He can have 4 since it's his favorite color blue." )

About 2 weeks ago, my friend Becky came over. She, I and our kids were in my back playroom about 20 minutes into our visit, and she had said something that really meant a lot to me. She looked at me and said: "now I get it about how you talk about Jack."

Ever since the day of his birth, I have known there was a bigger reason for Jack. I was missing something that I didn't even know I was missing and I found it in Jack.

Happy 4th Birthday to my wonderful baby Jack.

Kyla is growing up toooooooo fast.

I remember at the beginning of the year, when we were weighing the pro's and con's about bumping Kyla up to the first grade, wondering if it would make her timid or grow up too fast.

Well, I'm going out on a limb here and say that timid behavior is not one of the side effects that I've witnessed through out this school year so far. In fact, we just finished having a conversation about how they have clubs in her class and which kids are the popular kids and which kids are the mean kids.

I asked her what popular means. She said - "Oh you know what it means mom!" I said that I did know what it means, but that I wanted to hear what she thought it meant. She beat around the bush a little, then finally said: " to act cool and stuff. "

My version of popular was: That you know a lot of people and a lot of people know who you are BUT that it doesn't really count unless your nice to all of those people that you know. She doubted my knowledge ( of course ) at first, but then went with it. We talked about how being mean will stop good things from happening. She said: "your RIGHT mom! She's never been student of the month!" :o)

What really brought this whole post on, is her fascination lately with some teenage singer named Justin Bieber. She wants his books, and his CD, and he was even on at TARGET tonight. I had no idea what she was talking about. Also - Becky was here yesterday, and Kyla was asking tons of questions about when Becky "got" her baby and stuff. I found a picture from the day after Ella was born and showed her. She said, "WOW - so that's what I'm going to look like when I have a baby in my belly! Sweet." The day before that she said: "you know what I wish for mom, I wish I could have a husband." Oh yes she did.

I completely realize this is all normal and is absolutely what happens - but I don't like it. LOL

The worst thing about today - is that I had her try on a new bathing suit and she said she didn't like it because her tummy stuck out too far. This is something I MUST change, but frankly will need some guidance on, because I have all of those same issues. I know that I'm very very aware of what I say about how I feel about myself, in front of her, and if I exercise it's never "to lose weight" it's always "to be healthy." I just have to hope that I'm more successful at teaching than doing I suppose.

It is so frustrating to see how horribly people park!!! Seriously, so many more cars could fit in front of the school if people would just pay attention to their surroundings. If I was a policeman and it was allowed, I would pass out tickets for parking rudely. Vent over.

I love these days!

The days I'm writing about are the fantastic Kade days. Don't get me wrong, my little man has millions of moments through out every day that make him so precious and wonderful. When there are several hours of it though, they really stand out.

Having 3 children so close together is very difficult in the way of odd and even. I'm used to Jack or Kade being left out because of Kyla's strong personality, or all 3 of them doing their own thing. When the boys play nicely together however, it makes for an extra happy mommy.

I could listen to them for hours on end just be together. I wish I got to do that more often. When Kade steps in as the big brother and makes sure that Jack has what he needs, and is engaged in what is happening around him ( In a non-bossy way ) I close my eyes and revel in the peace.

I remember Kade having many days like this last fall, but something turned around they got fewer and father between. I'm crossing my fingers more of these days are on their way back!

A wake up call

Lately Kyla has been having a significant amount of breakdowns that include fit throwing, and tattle-telling. She's been severely crying about things like her brother throwing paper in her direction and similar type of insignificant actions.

She can't seem to sit still at dinner, she can't seem to focus on a single task, and she certainly can't seem to calm down very easily if she gets worked up about something.

I admittedly have not been proud of the amount of patience I have had for these type of actions on her part. In my head, I know that I put extra pressure on her, however I convince myself that Im consistent with it and don't expect things from her that she, herself, has not already shown me she is capable of doing.

Well, I was having a conversation with my dear friend Bill and he has, with one sentence, put in perspective this whole topic. He said: "It must be hard for her to have the brain of a 10 year old, and the emotions of a 5 year old. "

That hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm still tearing up about it, and have vowed to keep that statement readily available, when she indeed acts like the 5 year old that she most certainly is. Of course when she turns 6 in 2 months, I'll have to revisit this post. KIDDING!