finding a balance

I have sat here knowing what I want to say for a couple of weeks now, however I am suffering from writers block in regards to getting it out.

Ever since I started my blog a couple of years ago, I have found peace and therapy in putting to words, my thoughts, struggles, and victories of life. I've talked about kids, family, friends, jobs, insecurities, triumphs, medication, defeats and just about everything else in-between. Recently though, I've noticed that there are a few things that I have barely touched upon. I take pride in my openness and hope that it will help just one other person to get a feeling of: "Oh me too!" On that note though, for some reason, I've been very vague about marriage. My marriage, marriage in general and all things that come along with marriage and relationships. I never wanted to cross a boundary or say the wrong thing, but I'm starting to think that I can NOT be the only one that struggles. Why don't we talk about it? Why can't I talk about it? Well, I'm going to. I need to.

Robert used to be my very best friend. We've lost that some where along the way and my heart hurts just saying those words. We used to talk on the phone 30 x a day about everything from how good a burrito that we just had was, to the weird license plate frame we just saw on the freeway. I got butterflies in my stomach every single one of those 30 times he would call.

At some point his quirks became annoyances to me, and I'm sure vice versa for him. It hit me hard one day, when I had broken a glass. At our first apartment together, I broke a glass. He RUSHED over to me, pulled my hand out of the sink and made sure I was ok. At our current home, I broke a glass and he yelled out - "great which one was that one?" I find myself doing the same type of things to him.

Is this what happens to everyone? Does life always get in the way and cause you to get lost in the shuffle wondering: 'is this it?' Or is it not supposed to happen with the one you are supposed to be with?

What if positive actions stop coming naturally, and all you have left are words? Is that in fact the biggest action of all?

Having 3 kids 3 years in a row, has undoubtedly been the most amazing gift I could ever have fathomed getting as a woman. There are days when I want to sit and pull all of my now brunette covered gray hairs out one by one, but for the most part as with all mothers, my heart is overflowing with love for my children. Doing the right thing as a couple on a day to day basis and being on the same page for the upbringing of these wonderful children, however has not been easy.

Money is the root of all evil.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired, and I'm worn down from holding 5 people's lives in my hands. ( including my own ) I'm scared every single day about a decision I make and how it will affect my children and my family 3 days from now, 3 months from now, 3 years from now.

Am I weak? Sometimes I think so. Am I confused and overwhelmed? Yes.

Robert is a wonderful person. Robert has a HUGE giving heart. Robert's brain works differently than most people's and certainly mine. I've spent 10 years of my life though, learning about his brain and why he is the person he is. I love my husband, and I love seeing him with our beautiful children, protecting them in a way that only he can.

We have jointly, gone back and forth wondering if we would be better people and friends to each other, and parents to our children, if we weren't together. How does one make a decision like that when the love is there, but the relationship / partnership isn't? When there are children involved. We started out as amazing friends. One of the first things I remember him saying to me, is that if there is one thing he could immediately tell, is that we will be friends forever.

Don't we all just want to feel like we are the MOST IMPORTANT person in our partner's life? We all deserve to be made to feel that way right? I want to feel that way, and I don't. He probably doesn't either. Does that come back? Will something magical happen to make it come back? Do we just sit back and wait because we are afraid?

So I have probably written way too much, and caused a few people to take a step back, however I feel better. Life is too short to not talk about who you are. None of this was meant to point fingers nor cause ill will at all. It's my life, it's my reality and it's constantly changing.

Football, soccer, a wedding, and a softball game.

It was a very hot fun weekend -

Robert worked a lot of course, but I still managed with the help of meme and papa, to get the kids up and to Aiden's football game by 8:00 a.m. Saturday morning. WHOA those little guys are SERIOUS. I wont even talk about the parents watching. It was intense! They did so good, and tied the other team ( which had a 7 yr old player that was only a head shorter than TJ! )

Uncle brought the boys practice t-shirts so they could show their support!!

Kyla's soccer team played at 11 that same day - it was rediculously hot. The girls were troopers though, and we kept squirting them down with cold water any chance we got. TJ was being VERY over-protective of Kyla and wanted to pull her off the field to cool her down. He's not used to seeing my very white babies, get very red when they get hot! They won 6-4.... Kyla scored another goal YAY! No pictures, I was too hot to think about it.

Saturday night Mom, me, Kyla, TJ, and Serina went out to Chino Hills for my 2nd cousin's wedding. It was absolutely beautiful. I didn't take as many pictures of the scenery that I wanted to while there was still some light, but here are a few to give you an impression.

The house was like a resort - tall walls, gorgeous pool, couches and amazing landscape everywhere.

I was hoping you could see some background on this one :(

Mom and Kyla dancing :)

You can see some of the landscaping here. It was just amazing. I didn't want to leave!

Sunday Robert left work a little early, so I took advantage of that and put Jack down for a nap and brought Kyla and Kade with me to the park to watch some friends play softball and to let them play with the kids on the playground. I can't believe people play sports in that heat. CRAZY people. Robert was enjoying his quiet house, so I took the kids with me to meet up with everyone at Glory Days for a drink...... Well I got home about 5:00. Guess what? JACK JUST WOKE UP. I was SO mad at Robert for that. Sure enough too, Jack kept me up wanting to play and fight going to sleep until 11:35! a 4 HOUR NAP! UGH.

I thought Dallas played last night, but my dates were off, so no football last, night for us.... YAY for Monday night football! The STEELERS LOST to the BENGALS for the first time in 10 years though, so my day was complete.

1st soccer game!

Kyla had her 1st soccer game last night, and it was the cutest thing ever. I know I shouldn't use the term cute for a sporting event, but I'm sorry - it just was!

We are so blessed to have so many family members and friends show support! I think we over-powered the sidelines with just our group!! I didn't get to chat with everyone like I wished I could have - watching Kyla was exciting ( she scored ) and then my Jack was NOT a happy camper. At all. So there was that to deal with as well.

The rest of her games are on a Saturday I believe, so that will make things calmer too, and Robert hopefully will be able to work his schedule around that way easier. :)

Kyla is the one running towards the ball, I think this is when she scored her goal

She's # 5 - this was the start of the 2nd half

i was going to try to get a big group picture of EVERYONE that came, but the night got hectic!

Doctors Appt, vent, and soccer

Ever since Jack had his hospital stay, he has been horribly afraid of the doctor. We have explained quite a few times that the doctor is different than the hospital, but he's having none of it.

I was very late in getting my boys their well checks for the year, and the date had finally come yesterday. Robert was able to make it, so my dad was off the hook... but there was no way I could do it on my own.

We picked up the boys and Kyla wanted to go with us for support for her brothers. Well I thought that was a great idea, until it got to the 1½ hour mark. It was taking forever and 3 kids in a very small room did not prove to be good for the nerves of any of us. It could have been severely worse, but seriously - they could have sped things up A LOT!

We were missing a polio shot of Kyla's so it was a good thing she came, otherwise I would have had to make another appointment to bring her back.

Kade was such a big boy. He peed in a cup, did his hearing and eye test, checked his temp under his tongue and didn't fight the weight and height things. Normally he does. He whispered to me that he would show Jack that it doesn't hurt so he doesn't cry. I wish it would have worked, but the thought was nice and just what I needed.

Kyla is 44 lbs, 47 inches
Kade is 38½ lbs, 41½ inches
Jack is 38 3/4 lbs, 40½ inches

At least I have a little while longer that Kade can say he is the bigger brother ( height wise ) and not just the older brother.

After we tortured them with shots, we took them to McDonalds to play on the big play yard and all was well. Today the boys are proud of the "pokes" in their legs. Kyla not so much about her arm!

School is going very well for Kyla so far. She still gets weepy in the morning, but it's getting better and better. Her teacher assures me she is transitioning just perfectly and not to worry. I know Kyla doesn't want to cry either, because she pinky promises me that she's "not going to cry tomorrow." It's amazing to me that she is slightly bored with the work that they are doing. A lot of it is review at this point for her, and just perfecting a few things that she's needs to perfect. It's hard to get her to concentrate on the stuff that is review and perfecting. She's messing up on purpose to get attention I think. I don't like that kind of stuff. I would rather her refuse to do it then be silly like that. That's just me I guess. There are other things to be silly about in my opinion... just get it done.

I'm still getting a lot of feedback from strangers through family members and friends telling me that "everyone is shocked" that we moved her up. That "they would never do it, in a million years." While I COMPLETELY expected this, my slight frustration with it is: It's already done. Negativity will not change that. At this point it seems more fitting to say: "good luck, must have been a difficult decision." I think I must be in an irritable mood today? The things is as well, In going forward there will be difficulties that come from this decision, will I get "I told you so's" if I openly discuss any issues that arise? Anyway - moving on............ :)

Kyla's 1st soccer game is tonight at Stephen Foster at 6:30. I'm so excited for her.... and it looks like lots of friends are going to swing by for support! I love that it's in a nice close location for that reason especially!

September....

Boy this starting school thing has been a wake up call! A good and needed one, but definitely a wake up call. We were severely lacking on a routine, and I'm sure that's what happens to most families during the summer time - and it was quite enjoyed now that I look back.

However, I'm a controlling type of person, so I'm welcoming the kick start!

I haven't blogged much over the last 3 weeks, and I have been doing most of my direct uploading of pictures straight to facebook. I needed to post them here for my one day publishing. These aren't high quality since they are from my phone, but certainly not any less important to me.

I'm feeling really good about our decision to bump Kyla up to 1st grade. The conversations I've had with her teacher, and just doing her homework and completing the 20 minutes of daily reading every night just reiterates it for me. She definitely is having an adjustment period to daily school life in general though. My baby girl maxes out quickly - endurance wise. She is very tired and likes to have a mental / physical break when needed. These are long days for her and she's asked a few times if she can stay home and be a "normal kid" and play at meme's house. Thankfully, we moved her so early in the year, kindergarten and 1st grade days are no different to her, so it's a general statement about just being tired. I can't wait for her "normal" to be going to school from 8:30 - 3:00 every day. We are getting to bed earlier and earlier, and have created some "happy charts" to have rewards after each week of no tears ( and no severe back talk ) I think one of the biggest adjustments is for the boys to seemingly be losing their sister to a more focused set of requirements. They are pretty frustrated with the homework, reading, showering, bedtime specifics she is following now! LOL They miss their lala-butts.

Here are just lots of pictures now........ They make me smile :)

My 2 Jacks... Jackie loves his papa.

Isn't this the sweetest picture ever?

They were "pretending" to sleep.

posing for her first day of school!

Working on her 1st homework assignment ever.

Jack was helping Kyla with her homework

The completed homework project :)

Kyla and Daddy

The sign meme made for her because she forgot to make a simple "welcome home" one like she promised.

Kyla chose her own outfit for Labor Day... a little off season I would say.

Labor day lunch with friends

We had a girls night out to dinner... and she wasn't satisfied with just an normal picture

This is the "normal" one she wasn't happy with.

Aiden draws, builds, and creates complete cities any way he can

The sentence that got my baby girl into 1st grade.

I will remember this picture as the only time they smiled that night. It was a rough night.

One of my 4 favorite places to be.

Auntie Cheryl surprised Kyla with congratulations balloons for her kindergarten "graduation"

Opening / picture day as an Aqua Butterfly

The St. Joseph's Carnival

When Jack gets antsy, I just hand my phone over and he starts snapping pictures!

Auntie Cheryl brought over some clothes for the boys, and Kade found these pjs instantly and wouldn't take them off for 2 days - despite their size. lol

Jack said he need 'A' band aid. I gave him one, he snuck and got the rest. "what mom? I have a bad boo boo"

Just before Kyla scored the 1st goal in their practice scrimmage game..

The first day of 1st grade home work.... I'm going to need a tutor as she gets older I can tell already.

Kyla's first day of 1st grade.

I'm very emotional about it. I'm proud and excited and anxious to hear how it went.

But she's my baby. She's such an amazing kid, and I want to hold her and hug her and talk to her and rub her face, and hold her hand, and cuddle with her and look at her baby pictures and kiss her ALL day, instead of her going to school.

I'll write more tomorrow, but this is making me cry now.

Since my life is an open book....

I quite like it that way though. The worst feeling I have ever felt is to feel alone in something. I've kind of taken on the desire to try to help anyone I can to never feel that way. Even if it's just one person at some random time and when I don't even know it.... thus the blog.

So most of the readers of this are probably on facebook and know this already, but in case not - Kyla's Kindergarten teacher, 2 1st grade teachers, and the principal at her school would like to move Kyla up to 1st grade.

My initial reaction of course was: PRIDE. SO SO PROUD. It was immediately followed with fear, concern, and anxiety. This will be the biggest decision to date, that I will ever have made in my life. This will effect my child's life in so many ways, for so many years and it's all riding on my shoulders to make the right choice.

I quickly went into protection mode and didn't want my little girl to be the youngest in her class growing up. She'll be watching her friends drive, go to rated R movies, date, wear make up, do "things" <-- that I don't even want to think about. I don't want her to be social immature and run into problems in that area. I had a boxing match going on in my head.

The academic end of things, I have no concern about. She really is one of those kids. I'm her mom, yes, but she really is. I went to her school today to see the testing that they've done with her, and I had tears in my eyes. She's so smart you guys. So smart. She has a photographic memory just like her daddy, and her meme sure has done an AMAZING job as her pre-k teacher through education and life. She's passing tests a high number of 1st graders don't pass towards the end of the year, much less at the beginning. She needs it academically - especially since we will not be doing private school for the more advanced learning and individual attention.

So I went back to my pro's and con's way of doing things, as well as my gut motherly instinct.

These are my reasons:

1) I'll have issues no matter what as she ages, situations will come up no matter what grade she is in with identity, kids, friends, being allowed to do things and what-not.

2) She is very mature for her age. She flocks to older kids, and prefers them. She doesn't always play well or communicate well with girls and most children her age.

3) Academically she is passing what end of the year 1st graders are required to pass on 80% of the tests.

4) I told the teacher about my concerns for her emotional stability and she reassured me as I mentioned to her, that this is not taken lightly. This is not something that they would do just because she "knows more than the rest" She said she is one of the most mature children she has ever taught. She said she's only known her for 4 days, but with 100% confidence she would move her child up, if she was in my position. She's shown her work to 2 1st grade teachers, and the principal.

5) if it doesn't work, she can go back with no negative status within a month or so.

6) I don't want Kyla to skate through life. She needs challenges, she needs to know what it feels like to fail and regain her strength and keep trying.

Robert and I will need to just focus on parenting her as an individual and keep her grounded. We'll make some unique and some pre-planned decisions as they are appropriate for situations that arise. We'll keep her confidence built and keep her reality stable.

When I talked to her about it, she said she will miss Aiden, but is glad they can still do homework together at meme's house, and she said that she hasn't learned every letter of the alphabet yet in sign language, so she'll need to hurry and do that first. When I assured her that her new teacher wouldn't be upset about the sign language thing, I also had to promise her that I would buy her a book and teach her the letter's myself. She jumped up and said: "I'M IN 1st GRADE NOW!"

As my friend Bill said, there are much worse things that we could be dealing with when it comes to our kids. I am so blessed.

Her teacher told her to please write out a sentence on her own - she wanted to see how she spelled phonetically. I cried when I saw this. My baby girl wrote this without asking even one question of the teacher. ( sorry, part of it is cut off )