Struggling.

I know this is absurd, and even a little hard to admit, however I honestly believed that my Jack would remain a very easy child through out the majority of his life.  I allowed myself to think that we would have even less than normal bumps in the road and he would be my saving grace in what ever possible claim of  my sanity after raising 3 kids so close in age.   Dare I say it, "the good kid."

Over the past month or probably longer, he is proving that thought a mere daydream, fasad, far stretched unrealistic fantasty I've created in myself.  He in fact, is a real 4 1/2 yr old devil child.  A devil child at that age just like Kyla, and just like Kade.  I think if I go back and re-read all of my blog posts from the K's at that age, I'll find the same hell.  3 is bad.  3 is truly one of the worst experiences a parent will go through.  4.5 - age 5 is a whole different ballgame though.  They have the capability of actually being MEAN.

This is when they start with the comments of how much I don't let them do this or that, how mean I am, how they are never going to do what I say or how after I leave the room they are going to do what I just told them not to do.  They walk around the room and throw pillows off the couch and proclaim that "they are never picking them up" or announce that "they will never go to sleep when I want them to because I'm a mean mom and they only want to be with their dad or wish they didn't even have a mom.

With Kyla and Kade saying these types of things, I was more able to brush it off with a - "ya ya ya - your 4.5 - that's what you say at this age."   With Jack though it seems like it hurts more. A LOT more.  Jack is my baby that I thought would never even be able to find the words within him to say them out loud.  Jack I thought would be able to look at me and instantly replace the desire to be negative or mean with pure and undeniable love.  I really believed this, honestly.   What a sad and pathetic realization to come to.  Not only that it's happening, but that I, ( experienced with 2 previous 4.5 yr olds ) allowed myself to deny the possibility and prepare my heart for it. 

I'm going to have to rethink so many things.  He was my go to kid.  He was my rock.  Kyla and Kade provide so many things to my life. So many things that they can always fix and only they could fix, especially when they don't know they are fixing them.  Jack though was my solid, consistent, peace.  I want him back. I want my security back.   It's made me so sad to think about it, that even when he gives me the loves and smiles that fix entire days I'm sad because they are becoming less frequent without prompting.  He's even saying " enough mom! "  NO, there is never enough.  I refuse.

I'm really struggling with this.  I want to hold him, and kiss him, and beg him to please stay my Jackie.

xmas 2010

Snowman With Style Christmas

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A few things I found in the kids backpacks:

Kade:

An address and telephone number for his friend Jose.  He wouldn't put it down for nothing!  He was so very very proud of his first "card" as he called it.

His report card that was absolutely wonderful!!  He got meets the grade level standard in everything INCLUDING work habits and Social developement.  I'm so so very proud of him.
I'm very happy about the academic stuff, but the things about following directions and being respectful towards adults and others, etc. etc.. is much more important to me right now.

Kade:

A letter from her friend:
Dear Kyla,
You are my best friend.  You are my frist best friend. And we are always drawing pitcures together. I had ever had a best friend like you! And share silly bands to share every time! I"ll try to play with you angian. 
Patricha # 31   
( as written by Patricha )    Seriously - how cute is that?

Kyla's Thanksgiving Break writing assignment:
On Thanksgiving vacation I went to the park with my anty and my frend.  There was a big snake slide. Me and my brother went on the slide too. We went to Antlantis park.  My frend and I went to different places in the park.  And then we had a picnic in a shady spot. After the picnic we went to go play agin.  Then we went to Walmart.  After we went to Walmartwe went to lakewood mall.  I bought my new baseball glove. I was very proud.  Then I went to my baseball game. After I went home. I felt good when I did all of that stuff.

I think I've read this 20x.  ( I had to type it including the mistakes to show how few she made... proud mom! )

She also got her report card - same as Kade's!  All meeting grade level standards, except for 1 excels at grade level standards for writing!  Also Outstanding in some of the Characteristics of "Successful Students"   So VERY important.

a collaboration of thoughts...

Since I have all but given up blogging for Facebook, it seems my life has turned into a ton of mini-thoughts; ie.. Facebook statuses that are 420 characters or less.   The old blogger in me tended to be much more than 420 characters, so I have found myself having to choose between the 10 things that occupy my brain at any given moment when I post a status.  I'm thinking I need to perge some of them from my brain so I turn to my old friend, blogspot.

Bare with me as these will be completely random and I don't foresee me taking the time to organize them before posting.

One of the worst mistakes I've ever made is accidentally purchasing kitchen trashbags that are not "grippers."  Why even make a bag that doesn't stay up on it's own.  It's POINTLESS and MESSY!

I think it's the cutest thing in the world that whenever my kids talk about or talk to Max, our puppy, their voice goes up by about 100 octaves.   Sometimes it can be down right ear piercing.

I don't remember what it was like not having Max.  He is amazing and has been so great for our family.

Robert recently got into a car accident and it did NOT bring out the best in us as a couple.  There was some insurance problems and we could be out quite a lot of money.  It was not a fun weekend to get through.  We are better now, but we always seem to learn the hard way.  I wonder if we'll ever change.

Jack is constantly talking about having a girlfriend when he gets older, and how he likes "all girls."  
He also wants to change his name to: "Ironman Wolverine Beard."   He said he needs wolverine jammie bottoms and an ironman jammie top.

I always knew Kade was smart, but the things that come out of his mouth just amaze me!  He will put me into an early grave, either from a heart attack, a broken heart, or from loving him too much.  But mark my words!!

We were without a shower for about 2 weeks, so that left us down to 1 shower.  I didn't like it, and I felt horribly spoiled for complaining.  My god though, it really affected things!  Seriously.

Parenthood is the absolute best show on Television.  Lie to me comes in a close 2nd.  I wish I didn't love a few shows as much as I do, but I think they are my escape.  Actually I know they are.  I don't have any hobby's so I need something.

We've been playing baseball, (fallball)on Sunday's at noon.  I think I dislike Sunday's at noon.   I love love love watching them play.  A different time would be nicer though.

I'm already thinking about the kids birthday party's next year - we haven't even gotten through Christmas yet. What's up with that.  I think I want to do a carnival theme with just good old fashioned games being played.  My kids have loved playing games so much lately.

I read all of these cool quotes and swear I'm going to apply them to my life - then I don't.  Especially the one about wasting too much time picking up your house when you could spend it with your kids.  Something to that effect anyway.  When my house is messy, I'm annoyed and that's just bad for everyone.  I wish I could be different.

Kyla is doing great in 2nd grade.  Sometimes I feel like she's missed out on a lot of things that little girls enjoy because of her brain.  I just want her to be happy.

I have more serious stuff, but I think I'll keep it light for now.  I'll save the serious stuff for a real written post that will make more sense.

Jack: I'm so tired of sleeping! ( when it's time to go to bed ) me: sleeping is the best thing in the world. Not for me says Jack. I like waking up much better.
...... Oh how I wish I felt that way.

a continuing project

Kyla and I have decided that we don't spend enough mother daughter time together, so we came up with the idea of putting together a weekly list of things we want to do together.  3 things each is what we agreed upon.

Kyla's list consisted mainly of crafts, dress up, and doing our make-up.  I added doing our nails and "writing and coloring" a story.  We opted to start the first page of the story tonight.

Kyla has named me the author and her the illustrator, however the first page has been a joint effort for sure.

The idea of the story is 100% Kyla's and about 85% of the written words are hers as well.   Here is the beginning of our story - we will add to it as many days per week as possible.

Page 1.
This is a story about a butterfly that flew into a house.
The butterfly flew into the house because she wanted somewhere to live.
The house she picked was red, two story, had a basement and an attic and a lot of windows. There was also a fireplace in two rooms!
She didn't know who lived in the house when she picked it, but she found a pretty pink room that she loved.  The pink room had a window open, so she flew inside to see what else was in there.
The butterfly was so tired from flying and looking for a place to live, she decided to lay on a cute tiny bed in a pretty pink house in the big pink room.

to be continued....

Baki

I have to blog this before I forget.  For the last few weeks Kade has been writing " BAKI "

This is usually written after he writes Kade.  He says that it' s"his name" and he likes it.  After weeks and weeks of proding, we can not figure out where it came from.

In my clever detective work I believe he just wrote it out one day and someone ( Kyla ) said it in a word  to make it sound official that he knew how to spell / write and he just liked it ever since.

It cracks Robert and I up every single time.

" I got bullied by a 5 year old "

My blog entry is by a "guest writer" today....  an exerp from a chat conversation:

Bill took all 3 kids with him and Will to the park to play yesterday.

Bill:

Ok, yesterday at the park.


When the ice cream man pulled over, all of the kids wanted an ice cream.

I said no at first because I didn't want to ruin their dinners.

Everyone ran off to play except Kade.

He stuck around until everyone was gone.
He walks up to me and says, "gotta dollar?"

I say no.

11:29amMe

LMAO!

11:29amWilliam

He says, "whAt , did you forget your wallet?"

I say no.

He says," are you sure?"

I say yes.

11:30amMe

I can't stop smiling already - I can hear his voice.

11:30amWilliam

He says," can we check the car?"

I'm cracking up inside at this point.

I say no.

He says, "let's check your wallet, maybe you forgot that you put a dollar in there."

11:32amMe

hahahahahahahahaha

11:32amWilliam

I say ok and I open my wallet and look in and say nope, no dollar.

He says, "let me look."

11:33amMe

Pushy little guy isn't he? LMAO!!!!!

11:33amWilliam

I couldn't help it, that's when I called and made sure it was ok to get them some ice cream.

11:33amMe

welcome to my world!

I am laughing SO hard.

I have to copy and blog this WHOLE thing.

11:33amWilliam

It was the funniest thing.

11:34amMe

I have to call and read it to Robert

11:34amWilliam

I knew you would want to.

What's funny was the rhythm that he used in asking.

He would pause for a little while between questions and act like he was playing with the sand.

11:36amMe

I am seriously crying I'm laughing so hard

I just tried to read it to Robert but was laughing so hard I had to hang up.

11:36amWilliam

I told Mandy that I got bullied by a 5 year old.

Some catch up -

Jack is not ready for baseball - he just likes saying he's on a team. Hopefully it wont be a major breakdown tomorrow night when he doesn't practice.
Kyla has taken his place.

She has chosen baseball over dance for now ( I'm quite pleased with this decision, the whole 'dance' thing, was cute and all - but just not her fortay I'm afraid )

Robert is still on disability, from the motorcycle accident - and 90% of his body is healed and back to normal. The other 10% is causing him a lot of pain. He's a stubborn man and not doing what I want him to do to rectify the discomfort... but I wont get started on that. I need him to go back to work, him being home for lengthy amounts of time has so many high points, but not enough for me to enjoy it long term. October 18th-ish, is his scheduled return date.

We have had some rough mornings getting Kade up and out of bed for school. We have had some GREAT mornings of getting Kade up and out of bed for school. One of the worst days was rectified by me staying to help out in his class for about 2 hours. Thank god for my flexible job.

Kyla is really enjoying school, however told me today, that she is the "slowest one in the class" and "at the bottom of the reading chart." She didn't say it in a stress filled way, more in a matter of fact way. I figured out a way to get some details without focusing on it being negative and it sounds like it's taking her longer to get the daily work done in order to give her free time to read to get up the "reading chart." Strange, because she does her homework so quickly. I can't wait to have some time with her teacher. It's hard for me to just trust the system.

On that same note, I really enjoyed being in Kade's class the other day, it gave me a new understanding of Kade's teacher ( whom I previously had doubts about. ) I'm pleased with where he is.

I've had writers block for quite some time, so I'm writing this mainly just for the actual process of putting my own words onto paper ( or more appropriately, typing them onto screen. )

I'm looking forward to starting a Yogalates class with Becky and Mandy on Thursday night's next week! Something for me! YAY!

School makes time go by so quickly, I feel like I blink and I miss something.

The cat's out of the bag... ( and a booger )

Well so much for Kyla's teacher not knowing that she skipped kindergarten...

I asked Kyla today if her teacher knows that she is so young.
"Yep!" she said.

How did you tell her? was my next question.
Kyla exlained it to me like this:

She asked us all how old we were. When I said I was 6 years old, she was surprised and said: "WOW, your young!?" She looked confused mom, so I said - "well I skipped kindergarten that's why." ( with a very matter of fact look on her face )

I of course had to find out what the response to this was because I'm afraid that kids will be mean to her when they find out. So... I said - did she say anything after that?

Kyla replied saying: Yep, she said: "you can't skip kindergarten!" but she was totally kidding mom, cause she said: "Just kidding" Then she asked me why I skipped.

Then Kyla just stopped, totally left me hanging, and finished another couple of pages of homework. Me not being able to take it anymore said: WELL..... what did you say when she asked you why? Kyla tilted her head a little and said: " I said; because it was just too easy " with a shrug of her shoulders. And with that, the conversation was over. :( Apparently it's not nearly as big of a deal to Kyla as it is to me.

I must also get in writing so I can tease her later that she was so mad that it took two weeks of school before she got any homework. Now that she has gotten a packet and has a week to do it, she wants to do it all in 1 or 2 days. "just one more page mom!" Seriously, who's kid IS THIS?

The good thing is, I think it helps Kade do his homework seeing Kyla want to do hers. Granted he is not jumping at the opportunity to do page after page after page, and he wants to do the least amount required, but... he's still doing it. Thankfully.

Speaking of Kade and referencing the title of this post - he told us today that he got a check mark next to his name. He said that he had to sit at a table and didn't get to play with the toys today. After several variations of the same question we discovered that she thought he threw something, but in fact he had picked a booger out of his nose and was holding his finger up to motion that he needs a tissue. LMAO. He was completely serious. Not embarrassed or anything at this fact. He wasn't trying to be gross, just stating what happened. I still can't stop giggling about this. What I can't figure out is why he didn't attempt to tell her that he wasn't throwing anything so he could try to play with toys - but I'm almost willing to bet it's because she wouldn't have given him the time of day anyway. ( that's the impression I get from her... but that's a whole other post )

:(

I have to get in writing that I am having a very very very very very very very hard time with Kade right now.

Kade has always been rough, and I've tried to be as light hearted as possible and focus on all of the good things. I will continue to do so, but I have to get out that over the last few weeks, I have been severely struggling with being his parent.

I have a significant fear of what is to come and that I wont be able to handle it.

I cry from how he hurts my heart frequently, and no amount of rationalization of the fact that he's just a "5 yr old boy" can take away the pain when the words are being said.

I know that all kids say mean things to parents, and I get it from Kyla and Jack a normal amount of times as well. When Kade says it however, it's heart wrenching. It's different.

When I read back on this, I'll know exactly what I mean by different, and I hope by the time I read this that we will have come up with something that improves our situation by at least 50%.

I'm not doing good.

My favorite moment of the week.

Yesterday afternoon I decided to go through a 3 drawer plastic bin that I have in our craft room. The bin's contents are all of the kids artwork, crafts, creative things they do, and homework from about a year's time. I needed to clean out the past year's items to make room for the new millions of papers that would be brought home through out the upcoming year.

Organization is right up Kade's alley, so I solicited his help to get it done and to sneak in some time with him. I was quite impressed with how he agreed to throw away all pictures that were simply just coloring book pages, and keep the pages where he was learning something and / or following directions. We got through is drawer and Jack's drawer without incident and we both felt quite accomplished!

Now it came to do Kyla's drawer. Keep in mind, Kyla sat back quiety and observed the other 2 bins, while sometimes throwing in an occasional: " awh, look at how cute that picture is! " Kade however, was not so inclined to sit back and just allow Kyla to actually organize something without him. He physically looked pained when he was asked to do so. Thankfully Kyla tired of doing it quickly ( as she does with most chore type activities ) and delegated to Kade to help place the papers into the appropriate stacks of keep, toss, and "room 35 work."

Fast forward about half way through the bin and we find this:


If you look closely at the top, you'll see that Kade's name is the ONLY name that has a sad face and a NO next to it. He noticed this right away and questioned Kyla: " why would you have a No and a sad face next to JUST MY NAME?" Very very vulnerable-like he was. She said, " Oh Kade, this was a really long time ago and I was very mad at you. " Kade responded with an immediate: "well then it definitely goes in the toss pile." ( with a very genuine sad face that I rarely see .. most sad faces are manipulative and evil ) Kyla said: "No way Kade, I was just mad, I was like 4 or something." Kade says: "well then I'm going to rip it up. You just can not keep that. I can't let you keep it." I figure it's about time to chime in, so I suggest: "how about if Kyla marks out the No and puts a yes?" He reluctently agreed, but he did. So Kyla takes a pencil and markes out the No and puts a yes and says; "Oh, I guess I should make a happy face too right?" Kade takes a deep breath and feels better - so much better he adds: "why don't you go ahead and add; " and I love my brother Kade" too right away. " All 3 of us instantly cracked up.

The accident.

Truth be told, Robert and I got into a pretty heated argument the night before the accident. The subject of the argument was how he didn't call me before he left work to tell me he was off (as his times change frequently.) He will tell you it's because I'm a nag, however I beg to differ. My reason is because he is on his motorcycle, and driving in rush hour traffic and I would like to know where he is traveling should I not hear from him or should something happen. He seemed to have thought that was leaning towards ridiculous.

Now I don't know if it was some sort of dramatic slap in the face, a wake up call to slow down a bit, a wished for "I told you so" on my part, or what - but what happened the next morning really hit home with an extra amount of emotion, due to the previous night's "discussion."

Normally in the morning, I hear Robert getting ready for work. He didn't get the gene that enables one to be quiet when others are sleeping. So you can imagine my surprise when the first thing I heard in the morning was a phone call at 5:45 a.m.
This phone call was Robert's strained voice saying: " I was just in a motorcycle accident, and I'm hurt pretty bad. I'm laying on the 710 at the 5." The only words I could get to come out of my mouth was: "WELL CALL 911!" before he hung up the phone.

Immediately I jumped out of bed and of course called my mom to wake her up to prepare her to get the kids. After that I tried calling him back 5 times in a row. The feeling that I had during the time that he first called me and when my phone rang with the caller ID "Hubby" is so hard to explain. For those of you that don't know, his dear friend Brian had just passed away, about 4 weeks prior, after complications during a leg surgery resulting from a very slow fall on his motorcycle. His death had been very difficult to get through. My mind wandered. My heart raced. I think the fact that I was able to brush my teeth, change out of my pajama's and drive the sleeping children to my mom's house was accomplished only out of habit.

I must have walked in circles around the house 10 times, trying to figure out what I was supposed to do next. Do I just drive the way he said he was going and hope to figure something out? Do I start calling the Highway Patrol in East Los Angeles in hopes someone could tell me something? I had to do something, just sitting there was not an option. I had never even been to this new office that he goes to everyday since his position changed. Just as I was about to call someone, still to this day I don't know who it would have been... I get the call. The caller ID that had my beautiful husband's face and title: "hubby." On the other end of the phone however, was not my beautiful husband. It was the Los Angeles County Fire Department. The nice man told me he was in the ambulance with Robert and told me which medical center he was taking him to. I think I asked him to repeat himself 4 times, as I wasn't familiar with the area. He told me he was stable and I could hear Robert in the background asking him to tell me to call his boss. I was told to take my time as he is not showing any severe signs of shock or broken bones and for me to be safe while driving. Oh ya right.

I made the call, googled the medical center ( as best as I could remember the name ) and finally narrowed down the one he must have been talking about. One quick mapquest later and off I went to an area only 25 minutes away from me, but one in which I had never been to before. When I arrived at the medical center, after taking 20 minutes to find parking, I find myself walking through a metal detector and seeing over 100 people in the ER waiting area. WHOA. This is not Los Alamitos Medical Center where 10 people in the waiting area is over-crowding. The nice check in admin walked me, what seemed like a mile, back to his gurney in the ER. I don't think I breathed for the entire walk, which for some reason I remember went right, left, right, left.

There he was. Thank god there he was. My wonderful, scruffy, big, strong husband laying there in a hospital gown and a neck brace. I gave him instant kisses all over his face, held his hand, waited while he told me that nothing was broken at all, and his scans had been clear. We exchanged millions of 'I Love You's' - then I flicked his forehead and called him an idiot.

The conversation led to talking about Brian and our divine luck. It also including the confirmed fact that it would be best to sell the bike after it's fixed. This was a mutual decision. I was thrilled and was able to relax a bit. I made all of the phone calls he asked me to, and updated the people that already knew what had happened. A second Doctor came in and didn't believe that after what he went through, there was nothing broken, so they ordered another set of scans and Xrays to reconfirm.

Once he proved he could walk to the end of the of the corridor, they gave him a prescription for Vicodin and told him to go buy some motrin too - and off we went. We were in and out in about 6 hours!

At this point, I was still holding up. I made it home ok. I managed to eat some lunch even. I got him as comfortable as he could be then I just cried. I cried for what happened, and what could have happened. I cried for the pain he must be in, and the pain he'll endure in healing. I cried for the luck that we had in the fact that we were at home and not checked into a hospital. Then we fell asleep. Some much needed sleep.

That afternoon and next day was filled with love and attention and help and then more love from everyone. I'm at a loss for words ( hard to believe I know ) when it comes to trying to convey the significance of what all of that love did for us.

Since that day, Robert has progressively getting better and better. Unfortunately I seem to be getting worse. He is talking about wanting to keep the bike and not ride it to work anymore, and I'm getting anxiety and having nightmares. I suppose we will see how the whole thing plays out, I am quite anxious though, to get past the newness of the accident and what it has meant for us. It has meant so much more than some bruising and discomfort...

APPROVED "Pending Available Space"

My home school district, as I'm sure all others, has boundaries within it's city limits to decide what school your children will go to. Well the school I want my kids to go to ( the same school that both my dad and I went to ), has a boundary that is 1 house away from me. The boundaries changed sometime after I went there because the house I grew up in is in the same boundaries as the house I currently live in.

Kyla started school last year, and I went through the process of doing a "school of choice" - got denied, applied for an Intradistrict Permit, got denied - went to our home school, and ended up having a GREAT experience with the staff and teachers through out the year.

This year Kade is starting school, so I again went through the process of doing a "school of choice" and again - go denied. We worked with the staff and teachers to get our choice of teachers at our home school for both Kyla going into 2nd grade, and Kade into kindergarten and were happy with starting school. Kade is happy because we ride bikes past his kindergarten playground all the time, and Kyla gets to see her 1st grade teacher again. I am unhappy because my friend's daughter is also starting kindergarten ( at my school of choice ) as well as Kyla's good friends got approved for school of choice. I was feeling like the only person to ever get denied in.

Just yesterday, a few days after we got the room assignments for our home school, we got a letter that has the above stamp on it. What does that mean exactly? I don't completely know. What I do know is that it means I have to think about it again. I had closed the door to it for another year and found peace with it, but do things ever end that way for me? NO they do NOT. In the grand scheme of things, obviously I know this is not that big of a deal... but in the small area of my world / brain, it's annoying.

I'm also pretty sure that it means that we wont know if there is "available space" until after they have already started at our home school. I'm not leaning towards switching them 1-2 weeks in, especially if they like their teachers. I mean, what if that irritates the teachers at the other school? What if it's a bad transition? AND the big question I have that leans me towards making the change: What if this is my ONLY chance to get into the school while they are still in their early years of education.

Any thoughts?

Is there really a way to explain the difference?

For some strange reason, as a mother of 3, I have always tried to describe the difference in the love I feel for each of my kids individually. Maybe it stems from my old fears of not being able to love more than one child, maybe I just over-analyze. (Clearly, we know that last part is accurate, but could it be the only reason?)

My most reason trigger of this unanswerable question came last night. Last night was the night before I left for Chicago for the 7th time. Earlier in the day I had asked Kade if he would please sleep with me that night. He hesitantly, as Kade does, purely because he knows it would make me happy if he said yes, said; “ok mom.” This happens to me a lot. I knew when I asked him to plan on that, I would need his cuddling. Why is that?

Granted, it doesn’t only happen with Kade, I frequently ask this, or similar requests from Kyla and Jack too – this was just the most recent example.

When I carried Kade in all of his ultra-soft, warm skinned splendor, to go to sleep – I knew I made the right request for the day. I probably can’t begin to explain why, and I don’t know if I should even try -it just felt perfect. It takes me a very long time to fall asleep normally, and last night, it took about 2 minutes. Kade fits into every single little nook I create and puts his fingers in between mine and falls asleep in under 30 seconds. Feeling and hearing his strong heartbeat is the best white noise / sleep machine I could hope for. It’s like he’s apologizing for the rough times of the day. It’s life reassurance. Yes, that’s what it is. He brings me assurance that even though life can get very complicated, it is still very beautiful.

Robert and I both say this a lot: “[insert child’s name here] , I need you.” Whatever is happening at the time, a child, a specific child, can always fix it. They fix it in the way that only they can. Jack provides you with an amazingly gentle touch and way about him. He makes you look in his eyes and he says, “I love you.” He will put down any project he’s engaged in, make time for you, turn you into the most important thing in his life, and all of your troubles diminish quickly. Kyla certainly does not drop what she is engaged in, nor does she make a lot of time for you these days. What she does do though, on her terms, is nuzzle in your neck and make humming noises, or giggle. She will giggle until you can’t help but laugh along with her. Kyla will run the household if she feels you struggling, and will certainly nurse you to health if you have hurt yourself. Kyla keeps life flowing and reminds me that life in itself is a miracle.

Children are miracles. Family is the most important thing in the world, and if you have the ability to love and be loved, embrace it and live it.

Just some random conversations before I forget.

Kyla: I'm not going to kiss my boyfriend until we get married.
Kade: Who am I going to fall in love with mommy?
Me: In about 20 years, you'll meet someone that makes you happier than you have ever been before - that's who you'll love.
Kade: I need to know right now! Kyla, I'll just pick you. I'll marry you I guess.
Kyla: Brothers and sisters DON'T get married Kade, you have to find someone else!
Kade: But who will help you when you have a baby in your tummy? I'll help you take care of the baby.
Kyla: My husband will. I want 1 kid. Wait, no I want 2 kids. One 12 year old and one baby so the 12 year old can take care of the baby. ( SMART girl!! )
Kade: Fine. Whatever Kyla. MOM, can brothers and sisters get married?
Me: No Kade, they can't. Kyla can be your best friend, but trust me, you wont want her to be your wife.
Kade: Kyla, lets go ride bikes!

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Setting of scene:
I had just broken the news to the children about Robert's dear friend Brian passing away. I had gotten through telling the boys without tears and too much breaking down, but when it came to tell Kyla I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Kade's response to the news: "you have got to be kidding me? I just saw him at the hospital, he only hurt his leg?!" That struck me very hard because if my 5 year old can feel the sense of shock and tragedy in this fact, I can't fathom how the family felt.

Kyla's response to the news: ( Please know I don't mean this to be funny- as in no way did she mean it as anything less than an absolute wonderful thing )
Mom, I'm so sorry that Uncle Brian has passed, but if you think about it, he's in a way better place AND ( with bright wide eyes ) he gets to hang out with Michael Jackson and Aunt Hattie!

I think I hugged her tighter than I have in months. Sweet, sweet girl.

Since then I've gotten lots of questions from them like:
Can Uncle Brian hear us talking?
Will Uncle Brian be able to call us still?
When will he get to leave God?

Such profound discussions for a 5 & 6 year old.

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Scene set:
Camryn's birthday party - lots of kids, 2 boys named Jack. One 5½ and very aware of the fact that other kids are named Jack, and my 4 yr old Jack.

I wish I could remember exactly what got us to this part of the conversation, but I think it had something to do with the names on the party bags :)

Jack Beard: He's not the real Jack, I'm the only real Jack.
Me / Robert / Nicole: His name is Jack too, you are both Jack's.
Jack B: we can't be both Jack's, I'm the REAL Jack.
Me; you can both be named Jack, you are Jack Beard, he is Jack Summer's -
Nicole: and actually, he was born before you too!
Jack B: Well he can be Jack too, but I'm the real Jack.
One of us: So he's just a pretend Jack then?
Jack B: Yes, he can be Jack, but only pretend, and I'm the only real Jack.
Me or Robert: What about Papa? His name is Jack too.
Jack B: I'm the real Jack.
Me: Ok, whatever.

I was in shock for this conversation. I know he's been getting more and more aggressive and stubborn, but for some reason this particular topic really caught me off guard. He wasn't budging at all! I guess this is an occasion of picking your battles - especially when you notice that the older Jack could have cared less. ( thank fully ) :)

A Mother's fit

I have to get this documented for a couple of reasons.

1) I'm a talker, and the more I talk about things, the more I can sort through it and move on from it.

2) I have to be able to laugh at myself and some of the decisions I make ( and hopefully limit the amount of times I do dumb stuff in the future )

It happens about once a month <--- I'm not in denial about why this happens, not at all... my mental stability is questionable. I know it's happening, I even provide warnings to those that need them, or rather understand them, and do my best to lay low.

Well, the other night, I was trying to lay low and I even had a plan to make that happen. It was a great plan if I do say so myself. I wanted to cuddle with my husband. I wanted his big strong arms around me to calm me down and make me feel better like only he can. It's the simple things. I didn't even need to be alone, I just needed him to myself!!

The kids wouldn't hear of it. Not even close. They wanted him too. Trust me, there is a reason why we all want to cuddle with him. He's like a big teddy bear that keeps you safe and warm.

Well instead of appreciating the joy that my kids have in the bonding time they have with their dad, I got defensive and frankly quite territorial. I questioned my poor young children for wanting something only because I had it first. I asked them why they didn't think I deserved a few minutes of him to myself, and why they couldn't just go to bed like they have done on recent nights. I even said... prepare yourselves now... " I had him first, I just loan him to you when I'm busy! " Yes. Those words came out of my mouth. I clung to Robert while they tried to climb on top of him and while Jack even cried slightly complaining that my arm was on Robert's stomach ( Jack's prime spot. ) I refused to budge. REFUSED. I knew while this was happening that it was ridiculous, but I NEEDED it. I really really needed it, right then, on MY time - not theirs. Even for just 10 minutes, it needed to be on MY time.

Well, all 5 of us ended up together on our bed. They smashed their way into any area they could fit ( Kade at the foot of the bed ) and took back their territory. Stubborn little people!! I have no idea where they get that trait from. ;)

Kade crashed out first, so I got up and moved him. Kyla then complained that she didn't have enough room ( ya think? ) and said, "I'll just go to my own bed" like it was her idea, and Jack crashed last. I moved him too.

I went back to MY bed, MY space, and MY husband - who was now snoring away and making it nearly impossible for me to fall asleep anyway. I knew that was going to happen because I even told the kids that I needed to hurry and fall asleep before he started to snore.

If this was a contest of will, I definitely do not declare myself the winner. I fell asleep half laughing and half ashamed.....

Until next month, when I'm sure to have a variation of the above.

My description of love - as I know it.

Over the years, I have come to realize that the love that I need is not ever a simple one. I've frequently wondered why I wasn't meant to be one of those couples that just sort of go through life for the most part, coasting as if their paths were already carved out for them. I felt very envious at one point in my life of not having one of those relationships.

Don't get me wrong, this is not to say that I do not absolutely adore my husband. I am head over heels in love with him and our family. We've been through a significant amount of difficulties in the almost 11 years we've been together, but the key word is together.

I understand completely that to some close friends it may seem like I have extra worries and some extra struggles due to Robert's special brain, and I find myself frequently trying, even when completely unsolicited, to explain why this works for me. I have recently read a book and in it was the absolute most amazing quotation and explanation of love I have ever found. It is me, and everything that my mind and heart requires.

This is written in a format that shows a sister, who has never experienced this type of love, speaking about her sister's life.

"She always imagined love to be turbulent and passionate, an emotion that would sweep her up and break her into pieces and reshape her into someone she couldn't otherwise have become."

I have learned invaluable things about life and myself because of my amazing husband.

2 parents out of town and a cute conversation.

Robert is going out a couple of hours out of town for a day or two with work so all 3 kids will be at MeMe and PaPa's house overnight while he's away.

The normal situation of children placement when I'm out of town is:

Dinner either with Robert and Meme and Papa, or just Meme and Papa if Robert works late. Then baths and hanging out at home with Daddy, followed by Jack and Kyla being picked up to stay overnight - leaving Kade and Daddy for their "boys nights." Kyla couldn't be pryed away from spending the night there if her life depended on it. She packs for the week, and her mind is set. Jack varies sometimes, and Kade 100% belongs to daddy.

Kade is always invited to go with Kyla and Jack, but always declines the invitation to be with his daddy. He says he like's his own house for sleeping.

Well after Robert called with the details, I called Kyla to tell her... this is our conversation:

Hi Kyla

Hi Mom, what are you doing?
Working, what are you doing?
I'm waiting to go swimming. What kind of work are you doing?
I'm on my computer.
I thought you were at your job.
I am, I'm working on my computer at my job.

At the same time? Wow, that's so cool.

I'm glad you think so. Guess what?
What mom?
Your daddy has to go out of town for work too!
He does, NO WAY! When?
Tomorrow morning. That means all 3 of you will need to stay with meme and papa.

Ooooh - Kade is NOT going to like that AT ALL mom. Not at all.

[now giggling and trying to think of something positive] well maybe since daddy wont be home for him to be able to stay there, he wont be sad.

Ya, probably. Good idea. So have you started a book yet?
Yes, I have.

What's it called?
True Colors.

Do you like it?
I sure do.
Ok mom, I'll try to let Kade know right away. Love you.

Re-reading it, I guess it's not that amazing of a conversation, but when I called to tell Robert about it, we both just cracked up. It's so fun to talk to her on the phone because there is no time spent trying to think of something to say, it just flows and she loves it. Another reminder of how fast she's growing up. I have to leave it on here as a reminder of how it made me smile :)

Quick side note: THANK YOU MOM AND DAD - you guys are the absolute best. xoxoxo

Happy 4th of July ( on the 15th of July )

I was lying in bed last night realizing that I didn't do a 4th of July post...

I guess though, I haven't done several posts lately because Facebook has been more than satisfying my desire for instant gratification when I have something to say.

I know I didn't skip it because it was lacking of enjoyment, we had a wonderful day this year!

Most years the day is crazy, chaotic, crowded, and amazingly fun!!!

For some reason that wasn't in the cards for us this year, and I'm oddly glad. It's almost like we needed a break from it, to appreciate it more!

Most years it looks like this:


and then this....



and eventually this....



This year we scaled it down, slowed it down, and really enjoyed ourselves. The traveling I've been doing since May has really thrown off any routine I've claimed to have or have at least convinced myself exists. It also seems to have changed my ability and enjoyment of real life socialization. I'm anxious for it to be over and for everything to come back. Is that strange how it's all connected? I'm thinking not - or maybe I'm really just getting OLD like my kids say.

Some fun pictures of this year's celebration:

Decorated bikes :)

Best Friends

Nearly inseparable - Jack even got off his big bike for her

GREAT friends!

A game of hot potato replaced vollyball....

Dessert replaced the Jager

I got to hold a sleeping baby!

The kids loved the sparklers!

And the simple fireworks too! :)

( I Just love this one for the freckles! )

I hope everyone had a very fun and safe day! Next year we plan to go big again!